Friday, April 29, 2011

The Monster within

So no blogs recently ('what's new?' you say). To be honest, I don't care. Life's been not noteworthy recently. Not in a bad way, I've just been chillin and doing stuff I don't need to discuss. I know where to go next, and it's not anything new. Except this.

I've been giving something up lately. It's not an addiction, and it's nothing bad for me, I've just noticed I do it a lot, ever since I can remember, and I decided to stop. MOST DIFFICULT THING EVER!

I'm Christian, and I'm pretty sure this is something God agrees would be better left out of my life, so I pray. Kind of vainly. I've tried giving this up before. I go through the motions. Yes, it's working - to an extent. No, I'm not getting anything new from God. No, It's not working anymore. I need God. Standard Christian Cycle.

Except this time, I recieve the motherload. I define Grace as 'The power and will to do the will of God'. In other words, if God gives you grace, you want to do whatever it takes to get closer to him, and suddenly you've got the oomph to back it up. And I got a shit-tonne of it. For a fortnight, I didn't even think about what I was trying to beat. I wasn't trying anymore. It was beaten. I was ecstatic. Then I screwed up.

I went back to what I was doing before, and the grace went too. Over 3 days, things suddenly got harder again. I'd say things were impossible, now that I'd tasted freedom. How bitter to go back to chains you've already broken. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. I still feel that way, but what it has shown me is a side of me I didn't think I had.

And this is the point: I found a monster in me. Not something to be ashamed of. Not something I think is bad. But something that Demands. It wants. It strives. It chases. And the worst part is, I agree with it so often. The dialogue does not go 'I WANT! Well, let me think about this... I WANT! Oh, okay'. There IS no dialogue. I find myself doing things I don't agree with. I agree with things I don't do. I'm a mess.

But I'm me. I think the strangest part of all this is how completely okay I am with all this. I don't want encouragement in this fight, because I'm sure it will take evry part of me to fight. That's cool. I don't need reassurance. I know I'm the most normal person I know. I just want to point out that I'm sure we all have a side, or a part, or an animal, that just wants everything NOW! And in most cases, we have fought the fight. We tell it to shut up and sit down, we'll get round to it soon. But how far have you mined the depths of your heart? Are there things you take for granted that don't have to be, but you know you've settled because the fight is too great? Fight it. I am.


Jonathan