Hi!
So, you probably thought I'd blogged my last blog, huh? Well, so did I. Kind of.
You see, I created this blog to hash out some questions I was working through. Questions that meant a lot to me. And some of you enjoyed watching me work through these things, and offered your own opinion - just what I wanted. Except now I find myself in the strange position of not having had a good question for a long time.
Well, no, scratch that. Of not having a question in a long time that has really stumped me. It's weird, now, but I can feel this sort of... solidity in myself. Not a lot, but a small ball of complete confidence that no matter what happens, I've already dealt with something very similar, and come out the other side not only unscathed, but generally in a better position than when I went in. So much so that it answers most of my questions. What do I think about how I acted in this situation? I'm pretty okay with it, actually. Does it surprise you that you acted like this? Nope, not really. What will you do in the future? What I reckon is good, and good for me. Job done *dusts hands* All questions answered. What next? You get the idea.
Soooooooo yes. That's about it, I'm afraid. But I would like to thank you all. When you open up and reveal the secret parts of you to people, you want a response. Feedback. Something. Anything. And you guys have given it to me. So thank you for being sounding boards.
But!! Before I go for the final time, I do have an idea. I have been asking these questions since I was in high school, and obviously have not had a blog for all that time. I used to write all these questions down on paper, along with a quick catch-up of what happened in my life since the last time I wrote, just in case I forgot where these questions were coming from. So these are incredibly personal, and very embarrassing stories, questions and testimonials - and I plan on publishing them in a new blog. I don't think it will change anyone's life drastically, but I know it will be very comforting to realise that you're not the only person who has thought that, or who has struggled to understand things. It will definitely be interesting, and if nothing else, offers a first rate view into the headspace of a teenage boy growing up. Which I think is pretty cool. I'm also going to include the blog posts when I get up to them, hence why I will be shutting this blog down soon.
Now, this may take a long time. There's lots of paper, and I want to scan in each piece so you can see what they looked like, and how I may have scribbled them hurriedly over sheets of maths notes, or taken great care to preserve my views, depending on my attitude. I also don't have oodles of free time, so I want to build up a buffer of posts before releasing the first one so I can kind of post them on a semi-regular basis.
So there you have it. My thanks, my plans, and now my goodbyes. I hope you will enjoy the new endeavour. This one has been great fun, and I look forward to creating the next blog that I shall call 'A Paper Soul'. Thanks once again, I can't say it enough,
Jonathan
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Desire
Sigmund Freud has been attributed with saying 'We are our desires'. I'm not sure if this is a correct quote or not, but I fully agree.
So I was feeling pretty good about myself at the beginning of last year, when someone said to me "I think you know who you are,". The self-righteousness and awe at my own wisdom lasted a millisecond as he continued: "I just think you need to find out what you are". In fairness, I would say 'What are you?' is twice as difficult to answer as 'Who are you?', and over the past 18 months, I have actually been answering 'What do you want?', which is harder again. But I have found recently this: What you want will tell you who you are.
A desire is not a strong want. At least, not in this context. I'm talking about the perfect realisation of a want. If everything was perfect. If you could do anything. A desire is a deep part of you. It is a drive, a goal, an urge, a calling. The combination of which defines you. You are the sum of what you want.
But not just a want. Let me give an example. Desires are revealed through questioning wants. I want a kiss. Question: What if you could have more? I would want a kiss from a beautiful lady. Just one? Well, no, lots of kisses. Just kisses? Well, no - if I could, I would like a beautiful woman who loves me. For a day? No, forever. What if you could have everything you wanted out of her? Well, I want the most beautiful woman to be the most in love with me forever and I with her and for us to have the greatest relationship that supports each other to achieve everything we've ever wanted. Ever. What I wanted was a kiss. What I desired was the perfect marriage.
But most importantly, we do not allow our desires. We get off at an earlier station. We want the perfect partner, but we know someone we don't mind, and they seem keen, so we go out with them, and settle for 25%, instead of waiting out the train ride and reaching the 100% at the end of the journey. Settling is the number 1 Killer of what we want. Because we have a little bit of it, so we are able to tell ourselves we are doing well. We have everything we need. But our desires tell us no. Also, some people squash their desires. No, no, It's too difficult, so I don't want it anymore. Unfortunately, you still do want it. You cannot fool a desire, or divert it to something else. You want what you want, and hopefully you want it badly.
Now, I'm using the idea of a partner becuase it's something we can all relate to, but it also applies to the perfect job, the perfect lifestyle, the perfect relationships in family, friends, etc. We settle for less than the best all the time. Or we distract ourselves. Because a true desire will hurt. A true desire aches within us all day, and we can do nothing. We are at work, scanning barcodes or signing papers or typing emails, and we know we cannot look out a window, or we'll hate being stuck here, doing this. Why? because our desires have nothing to do with working a checkout or office desk. Our desires include roaming an unknown land, sailing a sea, discovering an ancient ruin in an overrun jungle. We desire adventure, and we have dayjobs. Not that they are bad, we need them. But we know it's not what we desire.
So we usually distract ourselves with things that bear no relation to our wants whatsoever. I wanted to explore the hills near us, but I still have to go to work. But on the way home, I bought this new TV that has a channel about trees! I can now watch all the trees I want without moving from my couch. And it has buttons, and HD, and EVERYTHING! Does anyone else see how ridiculous this sounds? Sure, it keeps us happy for a month or so. Unfortunately, desires never die. Ever. You can keep distracting yourself with shiny things, but you will always want to explore those hills near your house.
The reconciling of what we ache for and where we are is the greatest test of character and judgement we have. It gives us our name, as it shows us how we work, think, decide, evaluate. Desire tells us who we are. And how we deal with desires, whether we distract ourselves knowingly (or unknowingly), settle for 2nd best, or wait what seems like a painful eternity to find the perfect expression of what we want, proves to others (and us) who we are. Just a thought.
So I was feeling pretty good about myself at the beginning of last year, when someone said to me "I think you know who you are,". The self-righteousness and awe at my own wisdom lasted a millisecond as he continued: "I just think you need to find out what you are". In fairness, I would say 'What are you?' is twice as difficult to answer as 'Who are you?', and over the past 18 months, I have actually been answering 'What do you want?', which is harder again. But I have found recently this: What you want will tell you who you are.
A desire is not a strong want. At least, not in this context. I'm talking about the perfect realisation of a want. If everything was perfect. If you could do anything. A desire is a deep part of you. It is a drive, a goal, an urge, a calling. The combination of which defines you. You are the sum of what you want.
But not just a want. Let me give an example. Desires are revealed through questioning wants. I want a kiss. Question: What if you could have more? I would want a kiss from a beautiful lady. Just one? Well, no, lots of kisses. Just kisses? Well, no - if I could, I would like a beautiful woman who loves me. For a day? No, forever. What if you could have everything you wanted out of her? Well, I want the most beautiful woman to be the most in love with me forever and I with her and for us to have the greatest relationship that supports each other to achieve everything we've ever wanted. Ever. What I wanted was a kiss. What I desired was the perfect marriage.
But most importantly, we do not allow our desires. We get off at an earlier station. We want the perfect partner, but we know someone we don't mind, and they seem keen, so we go out with them, and settle for 25%, instead of waiting out the train ride and reaching the 100% at the end of the journey. Settling is the number 1 Killer of what we want. Because we have a little bit of it, so we are able to tell ourselves we are doing well. We have everything we need. But our desires tell us no. Also, some people squash their desires. No, no, It's too difficult, so I don't want it anymore. Unfortunately, you still do want it. You cannot fool a desire, or divert it to something else. You want what you want, and hopefully you want it badly.
Now, I'm using the idea of a partner becuase it's something we can all relate to, but it also applies to the perfect job, the perfect lifestyle, the perfect relationships in family, friends, etc. We settle for less than the best all the time. Or we distract ourselves. Because a true desire will hurt. A true desire aches within us all day, and we can do nothing. We are at work, scanning barcodes or signing papers or typing emails, and we know we cannot look out a window, or we'll hate being stuck here, doing this. Why? because our desires have nothing to do with working a checkout or office desk. Our desires include roaming an unknown land, sailing a sea, discovering an ancient ruin in an overrun jungle. We desire adventure, and we have dayjobs. Not that they are bad, we need them. But we know it's not what we desire.
So we usually distract ourselves with things that bear no relation to our wants whatsoever. I wanted to explore the hills near us, but I still have to go to work. But on the way home, I bought this new TV that has a channel about trees! I can now watch all the trees I want without moving from my couch. And it has buttons, and HD, and EVERYTHING! Does anyone else see how ridiculous this sounds? Sure, it keeps us happy for a month or so. Unfortunately, desires never die. Ever. You can keep distracting yourself with shiny things, but you will always want to explore those hills near your house.
The reconciling of what we ache for and where we are is the greatest test of character and judgement we have. It gives us our name, as it shows us how we work, think, decide, evaluate. Desire tells us who we are. And how we deal with desires, whether we distract ourselves knowingly (or unknowingly), settle for 2nd best, or wait what seems like a painful eternity to find the perfect expression of what we want, proves to others (and us) who we are. Just a thought.
Friday, April 29, 2011
The Monster within
So no blogs recently ('what's new?' you say). To be honest, I don't care. Life's been not noteworthy recently. Not in a bad way, I've just been chillin and doing stuff I don't need to discuss. I know where to go next, and it's not anything new. Except this.
I've been giving something up lately. It's not an addiction, and it's nothing bad for me, I've just noticed I do it a lot, ever since I can remember, and I decided to stop. MOST DIFFICULT THING EVER!
I'm Christian, and I'm pretty sure this is something God agrees would be better left out of my life, so I pray. Kind of vainly. I've tried giving this up before. I go through the motions. Yes, it's working - to an extent. No, I'm not getting anything new from God. No, It's not working anymore. I need God. Standard Christian Cycle.
Except this time, I recieve the motherload. I define Grace as 'The power and will to do the will of God'. In other words, if God gives you grace, you want to do whatever it takes to get closer to him, and suddenly you've got the oomph to back it up. And I got a shit-tonne of it. For a fortnight, I didn't even think about what I was trying to beat. I wasn't trying anymore. It was beaten. I was ecstatic. Then I screwed up.
I went back to what I was doing before, and the grace went too. Over 3 days, things suddenly got harder again. I'd say things were impossible, now that I'd tasted freedom. How bitter to go back to chains you've already broken. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. I still feel that way, but what it has shown me is a side of me I didn't think I had.
And this is the point: I found a monster in me. Not something to be ashamed of. Not something I think is bad. But something that Demands. It wants. It strives. It chases. And the worst part is, I agree with it so often. The dialogue does not go 'I WANT! Well, let me think about this... I WANT! Oh, okay'. There IS no dialogue. I find myself doing things I don't agree with. I agree with things I don't do. I'm a mess.
But I'm me. I think the strangest part of all this is how completely okay I am with all this. I don't want encouragement in this fight, because I'm sure it will take evry part of me to fight. That's cool. I don't need reassurance. I know I'm the most normal person I know. I just want to point out that I'm sure we all have a side, or a part, or an animal, that just wants everything NOW! And in most cases, we have fought the fight. We tell it to shut up and sit down, we'll get round to it soon. But how far have you mined the depths of your heart? Are there things you take for granted that don't have to be, but you know you've settled because the fight is too great? Fight it. I am.
Jonathan
I've been giving something up lately. It's not an addiction, and it's nothing bad for me, I've just noticed I do it a lot, ever since I can remember, and I decided to stop. MOST DIFFICULT THING EVER!
I'm Christian, and I'm pretty sure this is something God agrees would be better left out of my life, so I pray. Kind of vainly. I've tried giving this up before. I go through the motions. Yes, it's working - to an extent. No, I'm not getting anything new from God. No, It's not working anymore. I need God. Standard Christian Cycle.
Except this time, I recieve the motherload. I define Grace as 'The power and will to do the will of God'. In other words, if God gives you grace, you want to do whatever it takes to get closer to him, and suddenly you've got the oomph to back it up. And I got a shit-tonne of it. For a fortnight, I didn't even think about what I was trying to beat. I wasn't trying anymore. It was beaten. I was ecstatic. Then I screwed up.
I went back to what I was doing before, and the grace went too. Over 3 days, things suddenly got harder again. I'd say things were impossible, now that I'd tasted freedom. How bitter to go back to chains you've already broken. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. I still feel that way, but what it has shown me is a side of me I didn't think I had.
And this is the point: I found a monster in me. Not something to be ashamed of. Not something I think is bad. But something that Demands. It wants. It strives. It chases. And the worst part is, I agree with it so often. The dialogue does not go 'I WANT! Well, let me think about this... I WANT! Oh, okay'. There IS no dialogue. I find myself doing things I don't agree with. I agree with things I don't do. I'm a mess.
But I'm me. I think the strangest part of all this is how completely okay I am with all this. I don't want encouragement in this fight, because I'm sure it will take evry part of me to fight. That's cool. I don't need reassurance. I know I'm the most normal person I know. I just want to point out that I'm sure we all have a side, or a part, or an animal, that just wants everything NOW! And in most cases, we have fought the fight. We tell it to shut up and sit down, we'll get round to it soon. But how far have you mined the depths of your heart? Are there things you take for granted that don't have to be, but you know you've settled because the fight is too great? Fight it. I am.
Jonathan
Monday, February 7, 2011
Eish!
Man, I've had a look at my blog, and I whinge a lot! Well, not really. The blog is the only place to express such things, but still. Maybe it's because my parents are English :)
But yes. All three things have turned out good. I am now in Grey London, and it's not as fun as I thought. I think that's only because it's the first time I've travelled to a major city, and not had someone else there to share it with and talk about it. I took some photos, but not many. It's kinda fun, but I'm more looking forward to Bulgaria next week, then Paris after that!
Anyway, that is all. That's what happens when you don't blog about bad stuff, you don't have much to say :)
Jonathan
But yes. All three things have turned out good. I am now in Grey London, and it's not as fun as I thought. I think that's only because it's the first time I've travelled to a major city, and not had someone else there to share it with and talk about it. I took some photos, but not many. It's kinda fun, but I'm more looking forward to Bulgaria next week, then Paris after that!
Anyway, that is all. That's what happens when you don't blog about bad stuff, you don't have much to say :)
Jonathan
Saturday, January 22, 2011
Peace (or Purposeful Ignorance)
On the surface of things, it appears that I have a huge challenge ahead. A mountain in front of me, and a promise that I'd be on the other side tomorrow. But I am not worried. After all, what's a mountain but sloped ground?
The situation:
- I told a special friend that I would be in England on Wednesday. Due to money not coming through yet, I shall have to wait till monday to book the ticket.
- I have just $600 spending money for a 4-week holiday to England, Bulgaria, Paris and home again
- I have just found somebody I am fairly interested in, and I leave in 3.5 days. Then 4 months after I come back, she leaves for 4 months
All of which, individually, are potentially mindboggling in their capacity for inducing stress. None of which phase me too much. My mental, internal answer to the demands of pressure is a vague, ignorant smile; much like the one you would give to the crazy man who talks to you on the train.
And ignorant is the key word here. Because I am certain of three things:
It is possible for me to back out now.
It is also possible for me to succeed greatly.
I will want to back out if I think about the facts.
In fact, it could be described as a battle between the 'Facts' and the Hopes. 'Facts' like 'You know the money won't last' 'You may not be able to book the ticket so close to departure' 'You don't have to go'. And Hopes like 'I've been in worse places' 'Things will work out for my benefit' 'This is going to be an awesome trip'
So I am choosing to not be informed of the 'Facts', but rather to be completely besotted with the Hopes. Ignorant, yes. Nieve, possibly. Stupid, no. Because sometimes the best Peace is not found with Knowledge, but Self-Knowledge :)
Jonathan
The situation:
- I told a special friend that I would be in England on Wednesday. Due to money not coming through yet, I shall have to wait till monday to book the ticket.
- I have just $600 spending money for a 4-week holiday to England, Bulgaria, Paris and home again
- I have just found somebody I am fairly interested in, and I leave in 3.5 days. Then 4 months after I come back, she leaves for 4 months
All of which, individually, are potentially mindboggling in their capacity for inducing stress. None of which phase me too much. My mental, internal answer to the demands of pressure is a vague, ignorant smile; much like the one you would give to the crazy man who talks to you on the train.
And ignorant is the key word here. Because I am certain of three things:
It is possible for me to back out now.
It is also possible for me to succeed greatly.
I will want to back out if I think about the facts.
In fact, it could be described as a battle between the 'Facts' and the Hopes. 'Facts' like 'You know the money won't last' 'You may not be able to book the ticket so close to departure' 'You don't have to go'. And Hopes like 'I've been in worse places' 'Things will work out for my benefit' 'This is going to be an awesome trip'
So I am choosing to not be informed of the 'Facts', but rather to be completely besotted with the Hopes. Ignorant, yes. Nieve, possibly. Stupid, no. Because sometimes the best Peace is not found with Knowledge, but Self-Knowledge :)
Jonathan
Sunday, January 16, 2011
5 Step Plan to Take Over the Universe!
Well Hello!
So, I kinda haven't blogged in months, but I can explain. I was overseas. That said, looking at my last blog, things have changed, gone up and down, and kinda ended up in a very similar position. Ah travel, how you ruin our perceptions.
SO! I won't bore you with where my friend and I went, as I don't have any pictures, because my friend has the camera, and he can't get it to work. Balls. BUT, I did discover a 5 step plan to own a house in a couple of years, and from there, take over the universe.
I say discover, because I didn't really think of it, the bones of the idea just popped into my head, and I embellished. But I guess the main reason I didn't dismiss this out of hand without thinking about it is because, for the first time when I went travelling, I left the country missing home. Maybe it's the people I've met this past year. Maybe I realised I actually have no problem with growing older here. Maybe I have set up everything here already. I don't know. But I do know that today, when I thought about how to aquire a house here, I enjoyed planning to stay here for the next 5 years.
SO! My five step plan starts when I get back from England (I leave in a week, to spend ALL my money my grandma put aside for me. Instead of saving for, say, a house. Can anyone say 'Irony'?). It goes like this:
STEP 1: Work your ass off for 2 years, save $40,000.
I have never had a fulltime job. I enjoy not working the normal hours others work. And maybe I will continue this by working at a bar or something, but I plan to work full, 40 hour weeks. Man that sounds scary! Also, working at a bar or a store earns you around $40,000 a year (or $800 a week). I have survived this year on around $200 a week. At one point I was earning $400 a week and I saved a grand a month. Give me twice the salary, I save $400 a week, I end up with $40,000 in 2 years. Easy.
STEP 2: Buy a $500,000 house.
Borrow 10,000 from parents, friends, charity, bums, whoever. Then grab a half million dollar house with a 10% deposit. Oh yeah. Make sure it's a house I would like to live in (because eventually I will)
STEP 3: Find people to rent my house
In Perth, prices are ridiculous, so it shouldn't be too hard to find people who will rent the house off me, and charge them enough for the repayments on the mortgage (maybe plus a little for my hard work)
STEP 4: Grab a second house as a booster
Use the first house as collateral, use the same mortgage-rent trick as before, wait 2 years for the house price to go up, kick out the tenants, sell the house, put it towards the first house. Hopefully, by that stage, most of the house is paid off.
STEP 5: Move into house. Take over universe.
Being used to paying rent, this last year of greatly increased rent should be bearable, because I will be paying off the last of my house. Job done. Take over th universe.
The End
Now, this is not a good plan. This is not the best plan. But it is A plan. Which I have not had before. I call that a win :)
Jonathan
So, I kinda haven't blogged in months, but I can explain. I was overseas. That said, looking at my last blog, things have changed, gone up and down, and kinda ended up in a very similar position. Ah travel, how you ruin our perceptions.
SO! I won't bore you with where my friend and I went, as I don't have any pictures, because my friend has the camera, and he can't get it to work. Balls. BUT, I did discover a 5 step plan to own a house in a couple of years, and from there, take over the universe.
I say discover, because I didn't really think of it, the bones of the idea just popped into my head, and I embellished. But I guess the main reason I didn't dismiss this out of hand without thinking about it is because, for the first time when I went travelling, I left the country missing home. Maybe it's the people I've met this past year. Maybe I realised I actually have no problem with growing older here. Maybe I have set up everything here already. I don't know. But I do know that today, when I thought about how to aquire a house here, I enjoyed planning to stay here for the next 5 years.
SO! My five step plan starts when I get back from England (I leave in a week, to spend ALL my money my grandma put aside for me. Instead of saving for, say, a house. Can anyone say 'Irony'?). It goes like this:
STEP 1: Work your ass off for 2 years, save $40,000.
I have never had a fulltime job. I enjoy not working the normal hours others work. And maybe I will continue this by working at a bar or something, but I plan to work full, 40 hour weeks. Man that sounds scary! Also, working at a bar or a store earns you around $40,000 a year (or $800 a week). I have survived this year on around $200 a week. At one point I was earning $400 a week and I saved a grand a month. Give me twice the salary, I save $400 a week, I end up with $40,000 in 2 years. Easy.
STEP 2: Buy a $500,000 house.
Borrow 10,000 from parents, friends, charity, bums, whoever. Then grab a half million dollar house with a 10% deposit. Oh yeah. Make sure it's a house I would like to live in (because eventually I will)
STEP 3: Find people to rent my house
In Perth, prices are ridiculous, so it shouldn't be too hard to find people who will rent the house off me, and charge them enough for the repayments on the mortgage (maybe plus a little for my hard work)
STEP 4: Grab a second house as a booster
Use the first house as collateral, use the same mortgage-rent trick as before, wait 2 years for the house price to go up, kick out the tenants, sell the house, put it towards the first house. Hopefully, by that stage, most of the house is paid off.
STEP 5: Move into house. Take over universe.
Being used to paying rent, this last year of greatly increased rent should be bearable, because I will be paying off the last of my house. Job done. Take over th universe.
The End
Now, this is not a good plan. This is not the best plan. But it is A plan. Which I have not had before. I call that a win :)
Jonathan
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Three Little Words
Okay, so as a lovely friend (Her Travel Romance) pointed out to me the other day, I actually have a LOT to blog about. But for now, that's not going to happen, I'm just going to get rid of what's been rattling around inside my head for a week or two now. More about directing Shakespeare and organising trips around the world later.
So I was at a party the other night, and got to spend some time with a friend who I haven't spent a good deal of time with recently. And, just personal development-wise, I had been kinda levelling out for a while. No input, no challenge. Not through any fault of my own, but you all know what I'm talking about. You just go for months on end without ever having a decent sit-down conversation with someone that goes any deeper than 'What have you done in the past week'?
So, as luck would have it, my friend, Lifehacker, is one of those people interested in what lies beneath the 'I worked this week' surface, and he said to me something I hope I never forget. In trying to phrase himself nicely, he was hemming and hawing, and I gave him full permission to be as harsh as he wanted, and I'm glad he did.
He told me this: Stop coping out.
Essentially that was all (he reiterated his point a few times, but that was what stuck with me), and first of all, I was so glad he told me, cause I needed it. Just thinking about the idea of coping out on yourself. Having the opportunity to be you, and not seizing it. That spoke volumes to me. After working so hard to find Me, I was still shutting myself up at points. Well no more, said I. And the next week was great. It was as if I was not afraid of anything
Then I started thinking. I'm not sure if it's all males or just me, but usually this signifies the beginning of the end. Thinking is not usually a good idea, though it's what I do. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of poeple have told me to stop thinking so much.
I've been thinking about where I 'cop out', and suddenly, a lot of insecurities began to rise. 'He doesn't know how hard it is', 'It hurts', 'I need it'. Why? Why do I feel ashamed of having copped out? What is hiding beneath the 'cop out' response? Why am I going backwards? This was a good thing for a week, now my mind is determined to percieve it as an attack.
I think I may know. I am meeting this coming week with Mrs in Wonderland, and I shall find out then, methinks. For those of you who know of her Jedi skills, you may be able to appreciate my excitement and slight hesitation at the idea of fixing my head. It shall be fun. Messy, painful and fun. Aren't all the beautiful things?
Jonathan
So I was at a party the other night, and got to spend some time with a friend who I haven't spent a good deal of time with recently. And, just personal development-wise, I had been kinda levelling out for a while. No input, no challenge. Not through any fault of my own, but you all know what I'm talking about. You just go for months on end without ever having a decent sit-down conversation with someone that goes any deeper than 'What have you done in the past week'?
So, as luck would have it, my friend, Lifehacker, is one of those people interested in what lies beneath the 'I worked this week' surface, and he said to me something I hope I never forget. In trying to phrase himself nicely, he was hemming and hawing, and I gave him full permission to be as harsh as he wanted, and I'm glad he did.
He told me this: Stop coping out.
Essentially that was all (he reiterated his point a few times, but that was what stuck with me), and first of all, I was so glad he told me, cause I needed it. Just thinking about the idea of coping out on yourself. Having the opportunity to be you, and not seizing it. That spoke volumes to me. After working so hard to find Me, I was still shutting myself up at points. Well no more, said I. And the next week was great. It was as if I was not afraid of anything
Then I started thinking. I'm not sure if it's all males or just me, but usually this signifies the beginning of the end. Thinking is not usually a good idea, though it's what I do. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of poeple have told me to stop thinking so much.
I've been thinking about where I 'cop out', and suddenly, a lot of insecurities began to rise. 'He doesn't know how hard it is', 'It hurts', 'I need it'. Why? Why do I feel ashamed of having copped out? What is hiding beneath the 'cop out' response? Why am I going backwards? This was a good thing for a week, now my mind is determined to percieve it as an attack.
I think I may know. I am meeting this coming week with Mrs in Wonderland, and I shall find out then, methinks. For those of you who know of her Jedi skills, you may be able to appreciate my excitement and slight hesitation at the idea of fixing my head. It shall be fun. Messy, painful and fun. Aren't all the beautiful things?
Jonathan
Friday, September 17, 2010
A Decision
Oh Herro!
Just wondering if I'm the only one here, but have you ever had that conversation that changes the way you percieve the last year or so? You had an idea in your head of what was going on, and now it's different? Cause I just did, this morning. And it got me thinking.
I've been feeling a little hard-done-by recently. Not annoyed, just feeling like I'd been walking down the same road for way too long, and it was time to change. To break out. To start over. Then I had this conversation, about life, about God, about the process of development, and at one point, this last year went from being a pointless and difficult trek through a desert, to a refining and wholly neccessary process.
Obviously, I feel incredibly greatful for the whole experience, but it also makes me think: How important are the stories we tell to ourselves? We all narrate our past day, week, major events into bite-size stories, with us as the main character, and either good or bad things happening. Then we string together the ones we remember into year-long ballads, decade-long sagas, and life-long odysseys, and the repeated symbols and meanings we draw from them become our own definition of ourselves.
And then it hits me. The reason we have such bad images of who and where and how we are is because we only ever remember the bad things. The stories where we got it wrong. The tragedies. And we use these stories as our sagas, because we forget the little good things.
So here goes. These are the little good things of the past two weeks:
I was asked out.
Someone I'd met for the second time said she liked my laugh, it made her feel important and funny at the same time.
I told Mrs In Wonderland that I reckoned I was an omni-vert, and she 'almost shot porridge out her nose' (her words)
I taught 200 people how to swing dance. I've only been dancing less than a year, and I had never taught before. Everybody now loves it.
I had a conversation with a really nice girl afterwards, and asked her out for coffee. The resulting conversation began this blog.
That's all I can remember for now, but maybe I should do this more often,
Jonathan
Just wondering if I'm the only one here, but have you ever had that conversation that changes the way you percieve the last year or so? You had an idea in your head of what was going on, and now it's different? Cause I just did, this morning. And it got me thinking.
I've been feeling a little hard-done-by recently. Not annoyed, just feeling like I'd been walking down the same road for way too long, and it was time to change. To break out. To start over. Then I had this conversation, about life, about God, about the process of development, and at one point, this last year went from being a pointless and difficult trek through a desert, to a refining and wholly neccessary process.
Obviously, I feel incredibly greatful for the whole experience, but it also makes me think: How important are the stories we tell to ourselves? We all narrate our past day, week, major events into bite-size stories, with us as the main character, and either good or bad things happening. Then we string together the ones we remember into year-long ballads, decade-long sagas, and life-long odysseys, and the repeated symbols and meanings we draw from them become our own definition of ourselves.
And then it hits me. The reason we have such bad images of who and where and how we are is because we only ever remember the bad things. The stories where we got it wrong. The tragedies. And we use these stories as our sagas, because we forget the little good things.
So here goes. These are the little good things of the past two weeks:
I was asked out.
Someone I'd met for the second time said she liked my laugh, it made her feel important and funny at the same time.
I told Mrs In Wonderland that I reckoned I was an omni-vert, and she 'almost shot porridge out her nose' (her words)
I taught 200 people how to swing dance. I've only been dancing less than a year, and I had never taught before. Everybody now loves it.
I had a conversation with a really nice girl afterwards, and asked her out for coffee. The resulting conversation began this blog.
That's all I can remember for now, but maybe I should do this more often,
Jonathan
Thursday, August 26, 2010
10,000 Years
Quoting Disney's Aladdin: "Ten Thousand Yeeeaarrrss, will give you Such a Crick in the Neck! Hold a mimnute. Whoooooooooooow does it feel good to be outta there!"
So, I now have the internet back, and for the first time in about 5 weeks, I can blog. I feel like the Genie (above) :)
So. I need to combine about 3 blogs into one. They would be entitled The Imagination Trap, the Ninja Valley (or the Anomally), and Circles within Circles. All at the same time. So here is le mammoth blog, with three seperate and intertwining stories.
So, I had asked a girl for coffee for a couple of weeks in a row, and had kinda given up hope she would ever accept. Then she did. Cool. She was just a friend, and now we could catch up.
And we did, and I was really happy that we connected so well. For the first time, I found a girl I could understand. Though we had fairly different interests, we had very similar thought processes, so I knew where she was coming from, and was comfortable assuming she felt the same. So I booked another time. And the next day, it struck.
I was at work, in the slowest week I have EVER worked, and I had a lot of time to think. My friend went from being easy to understand, to a romantic possiblity, to a committed certainty. All through the sunny paths of Imagination.
The next week we caught up, she brought her friend, and her friends boyfriend, and her friends sisters baby. Huh. No real romance possibilities with baby drool on shoulders. Epic Normality, which if I hadn't imagined anything, would have been fine. But I had, and it wasn't. I NEED MORE ALONE TIME WITH THIS FUTURE CERTAINTY! More coffee! Sooner! ... Or, she's housesitting a house VERY close to me. She wants me over for dinner one night? DONE! Yeah! All my christmases at once. I'M IN!
This is where I need to break for Story 2. I had been committed to my view from my blog "The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?", and although I wasn't still believing I had everything together, I was pushing on pushing in. As Life Hacker recently posted, I was Determined to keep a constant upwards graph, not a sinewave. But looking back now, to be honest, all that went out the window as I got caught up in the Imaginationship (I just made that word up). But back to Story 1
Dinner arrives, as do I with a bottle of wine. We cook dinner, watch a movie together on the couch. We laugh, talk, and generally enjoy each other's company... and then she has to be at uni tomorrow, so goodbye. Wait, what? But, my Imagination says this is the perfect opportunity. I don't understand.
The next few days, I'm crushed. What's wrong with me? Why didn't it work out? There's still a week left. Maybe more coffee will help! But her dad's had a motorbike accident, and she now has no time left for me...
No time left for a hideous monster. Because that's obviously the only answer. I screwed it up somehow. I'm horrible. I'm Second-place. I give her space and tell myself I'm a failure. 2 long weeks go by, during which my sinewave/uphill trend thing takes a battering, but averages a flatline, and I call that fair. I reckon it's kinda good, considering where it could have gone.
So. I rock up to a movie night, and she's there, along with 2 other girls (one of whom I've gone out with before) and a guy I'm friends with. The entire night, she says not one word to me. Not one. In fact, all three girls studiously say NOTHING to me all evening. Everbody sits on the couch furthest away from me, and say things all evening that make me fairly angry. Not that I want to whinge, but they were putting in Effort to ignore me.
I haven't been that pissed off in a long time. I remember I have weights, and am very close to an Ocean. Suicide is not an unfamiliar thought, and it enjoys my prescence that night in a way it hasn't for a long, long time. I eventually sleep without the heater, kept warm by my anger.
In terms of Sinewave theology, this was an epic low. Something that usually takes months to degenerate into, ninja-ed upon me in 1 night. Maybe because I had been going up for so long, it needed correcting, or... I don't know. The Sinewave theory works because the pattern fits really freaking well, and here was something I've never seen before. An Anomally. A Ninja Valley. So I slept. And woke changed.
I am burning with a cold, slow burn now. But, thinking about it for just 10 minutes, I realise I am not angry with any Person at all. I am angry with some aspect of the situation. I take the entire day to sort my head out, and something amazing happens. Normally, this kind of thing takes a month or two to fully work out of my system, but for the first time, it's happening in one day. By that night, I have forgiven all people involved - including myself - justified my actions, and realised this pain is based on an insecurity I know is Ridiculous. In one day.
The next day I wake up with just a Heartache. It takes me half a day to realise the insecurity I thought it was is just a front for a much deeper fear of being ignored. By the afternoon, I have laid down solid reasons why I am not ignored, and found myself ensconsed in God, the thermometer of my life. I look back to my happiness at the start of the year, and realise I'm right back where I started. I walk to the shops, and feel perfect. 2 days, instead of 2 months.
Again going back to Story 2, the flipside of a Ninja Valley - a Ninja Recovery. By now I am happy to say I am on a completely different pattern. I have no idea what the Anomally was, but it seemed to have been corrected. More than corrected, I feel better than I have all year.
As I reflect upon this, I see Story 3 (don't worry, it's a quickey). Before I lost my drivers license, I was in a really solid place. My life was coming together nicely, and because of that, I wasn't putting any effort into God. Looking back now, I can see where situations I thought were lucky escapes can be interpreted as warnings. So when I drive now, I make sure I am talking to God a lot more, and when I see these signs, I make sure to stop driving for a day or two and focus on God again.
This is how I feel about my some of my friends. I went from a very sheltered Christian school straight into an Arts degree, and received a sort of social Baptism of Fire in terms of what to do and not do. Most of the people were REALLY clicky and shallow, and when I look on my friends now, I see the exact same thing. Like being able to see the warning signs when driving, I can start to see the parallels socially. The only problem is - I know what the lesson is in driving, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from being around these types of people.
Circles within Circles. All in all, a Bizzare week.
So. Things I have learnt:
1. Stop Imagining Social Things!!!
2. I am on a different sinewave pattern thing. And it changes lightning fast.
And Questions for discussion:
1. What is the lesson to learn from Story 3?
2. Is there an Anomally, or a brand new pattern in Story 2?
3. How do I explain what's happened to the girl from Story 1?
4. Is it my imagination, or could the fast bounce back from Story 2 be getting me ready for something. If so, what?
As Pooh-Bear says: Think, think, think.
Jonathan
So, I now have the internet back, and for the first time in about 5 weeks, I can blog. I feel like the Genie (above) :)
So. I need to combine about 3 blogs into one. They would be entitled The Imagination Trap, the Ninja Valley (or the Anomally), and Circles within Circles. All at the same time. So here is le mammoth blog, with three seperate and intertwining stories.
So, I had asked a girl for coffee for a couple of weeks in a row, and had kinda given up hope she would ever accept. Then she did. Cool. She was just a friend, and now we could catch up.
And we did, and I was really happy that we connected so well. For the first time, I found a girl I could understand. Though we had fairly different interests, we had very similar thought processes, so I knew where she was coming from, and was comfortable assuming she felt the same. So I booked another time. And the next day, it struck.
I was at work, in the slowest week I have EVER worked, and I had a lot of time to think. My friend went from being easy to understand, to a romantic possiblity, to a committed certainty. All through the sunny paths of Imagination.
The next week we caught up, she brought her friend, and her friends boyfriend, and her friends sisters baby. Huh. No real romance possibilities with baby drool on shoulders. Epic Normality, which if I hadn't imagined anything, would have been fine. But I had, and it wasn't. I NEED MORE ALONE TIME WITH THIS FUTURE CERTAINTY! More coffee! Sooner! ... Or, she's housesitting a house VERY close to me. She wants me over for dinner one night? DONE! Yeah! All my christmases at once. I'M IN!
This is where I need to break for Story 2. I had been committed to my view from my blog "The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?", and although I wasn't still believing I had everything together, I was pushing on pushing in. As Life Hacker recently posted, I was Determined to keep a constant upwards graph, not a sinewave. But looking back now, to be honest, all that went out the window as I got caught up in the Imaginationship (I just made that word up). But back to Story 1
Dinner arrives, as do I with a bottle of wine. We cook dinner, watch a movie together on the couch. We laugh, talk, and generally enjoy each other's company... and then she has to be at uni tomorrow, so goodbye. Wait, what? But, my Imagination says this is the perfect opportunity. I don't understand.
The next few days, I'm crushed. What's wrong with me? Why didn't it work out? There's still a week left. Maybe more coffee will help! But her dad's had a motorbike accident, and she now has no time left for me...
No time left for a hideous monster. Because that's obviously the only answer. I screwed it up somehow. I'm horrible. I'm Second-place. I give her space and tell myself I'm a failure. 2 long weeks go by, during which my sinewave/uphill trend thing takes a battering, but averages a flatline, and I call that fair. I reckon it's kinda good, considering where it could have gone.
So. I rock up to a movie night, and she's there, along with 2 other girls (one of whom I've gone out with before) and a guy I'm friends with. The entire night, she says not one word to me. Not one. In fact, all three girls studiously say NOTHING to me all evening. Everbody sits on the couch furthest away from me, and say things all evening that make me fairly angry. Not that I want to whinge, but they were putting in Effort to ignore me.
I haven't been that pissed off in a long time. I remember I have weights, and am very close to an Ocean. Suicide is not an unfamiliar thought, and it enjoys my prescence that night in a way it hasn't for a long, long time. I eventually sleep without the heater, kept warm by my anger.
In terms of Sinewave theology, this was an epic low. Something that usually takes months to degenerate into, ninja-ed upon me in 1 night. Maybe because I had been going up for so long, it needed correcting, or... I don't know. The Sinewave theory works because the pattern fits really freaking well, and here was something I've never seen before. An Anomally. A Ninja Valley. So I slept. And woke changed.
I am burning with a cold, slow burn now. But, thinking about it for just 10 minutes, I realise I am not angry with any Person at all. I am angry with some aspect of the situation. I take the entire day to sort my head out, and something amazing happens. Normally, this kind of thing takes a month or two to fully work out of my system, but for the first time, it's happening in one day. By that night, I have forgiven all people involved - including myself - justified my actions, and realised this pain is based on an insecurity I know is Ridiculous. In one day.
The next day I wake up with just a Heartache. It takes me half a day to realise the insecurity I thought it was is just a front for a much deeper fear of being ignored. By the afternoon, I have laid down solid reasons why I am not ignored, and found myself ensconsed in God, the thermometer of my life. I look back to my happiness at the start of the year, and realise I'm right back where I started. I walk to the shops, and feel perfect. 2 days, instead of 2 months.
Again going back to Story 2, the flipside of a Ninja Valley - a Ninja Recovery. By now I am happy to say I am on a completely different pattern. I have no idea what the Anomally was, but it seemed to have been corrected. More than corrected, I feel better than I have all year.
As I reflect upon this, I see Story 3 (don't worry, it's a quickey). Before I lost my drivers license, I was in a really solid place. My life was coming together nicely, and because of that, I wasn't putting any effort into God. Looking back now, I can see where situations I thought were lucky escapes can be interpreted as warnings. So when I drive now, I make sure I am talking to God a lot more, and when I see these signs, I make sure to stop driving for a day or two and focus on God again.
This is how I feel about my some of my friends. I went from a very sheltered Christian school straight into an Arts degree, and received a sort of social Baptism of Fire in terms of what to do and not do. Most of the people were REALLY clicky and shallow, and when I look on my friends now, I see the exact same thing. Like being able to see the warning signs when driving, I can start to see the parallels socially. The only problem is - I know what the lesson is in driving, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from being around these types of people.
Circles within Circles. All in all, a Bizzare week.
So. Things I have learnt:
1. Stop Imagining Social Things!!!
2. I am on a different sinewave pattern thing. And it changes lightning fast.
And Questions for discussion:
1. What is the lesson to learn from Story 3?
2. Is there an Anomally, or a brand new pattern in Story 2?
3. How do I explain what's happened to the girl from Story 1?
4. Is it my imagination, or could the fast bounce back from Story 2 be getting me ready for something. If so, what?
As Pooh-Bear says: Think, think, think.
Jonathan
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Some Effortless Doodling
I imagine us in third person, because I like to see us together.
I remember you in first person, because I like the way you felt close to me.
I write this in second person, because I like to imagine you might read it one day.
Because I died again tonight, and there was no reason to stop.
Because I didn't talk to anyone about today.
Because I have an empty double bed.
Because I came home to find you still gone.
And because I may miss you.
Maybe.
A little.
-----------------------------------------------------
Rain. Rain from somewhere, splatching against his window.
He frowned. He was awake. Damn it.
He opened his eyes to the useless half-light. Rolling over, he hit his alarm before it went off. 6:14. Hell of a time to wake up.
Reaching over his head, he pulled a chord and opened the curtains. Dead winter light, held back no longer, ran skipping and jumping over drawers, clothes, sheets and door handles. Ahead of him now, the Monday morning drizzle drifted halfheartedly against his window.
God he hated waking up alone.
-----------------------------------------------------
'I like that jumper' said Guy,
'Oh, thanks. It's travelled around with me a lot.'
Guy grinned 'The Adventures of the Travelling Jumper?'
Elly chuckled 'Something like that.' Guy waited for her to say somthing else.
She didn't.
Maybe she was waiting for me to say something? Maybe she's collecting her thoughts?
A bird chirped somewhere over the other side of the street. Nope, the pause is now a full blown conversation stopper. Oh yeah, this isn't awkward at all. Guy started looking for the bird.
'Or maybe even "The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"?'
Yeah, smooth Guy. Saying the first thing that came into your head was a brilliant idea. Not.
Elly snorted '"The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"? how about "Who was Waiting for The One?"'
Guy grinned. Time for some devious subtlety. 'No, "The Jumper who was Really Badly Burnt in it's Last Relationship, and Doesn't Want to Commit Right Now!"'
Guy paused for the outburst of laughter. The bird started chirping again somewhere across the street. Maybe that didn't work as well as he thought it would? Subtle as a slegehammer, idiot. Maybe she thought you were still joking. Hopefully she won't pick it up.
'Or "The Jumper who Never got the Attention it Deserved, and thinks all the Guys are Twats"'
Yeah, she probably picked that one up. Nice work Guy, nice work.
I remember you in first person, because I like the way you felt close to me.
I write this in second person, because I like to imagine you might read it one day.
Because I died again tonight, and there was no reason to stop.
Because I didn't talk to anyone about today.
Because I have an empty double bed.
Because I came home to find you still gone.
And because I may miss you.
Maybe.
A little.
-----------------------------------------------------
Rain. Rain from somewhere, splatching against his window.
He frowned. He was awake. Damn it.
He opened his eyes to the useless half-light. Rolling over, he hit his alarm before it went off. 6:14. Hell of a time to wake up.
Reaching over his head, he pulled a chord and opened the curtains. Dead winter light, held back no longer, ran skipping and jumping over drawers, clothes, sheets and door handles. Ahead of him now, the Monday morning drizzle drifted halfheartedly against his window.
God he hated waking up alone.
-----------------------------------------------------
'I like that jumper' said Guy,
'Oh, thanks. It's travelled around with me a lot.'
Guy grinned 'The Adventures of the Travelling Jumper?'
Elly chuckled 'Something like that.' Guy waited for her to say somthing else.
She didn't.
Maybe she was waiting for me to say something? Maybe she's collecting her thoughts?
A bird chirped somewhere over the other side of the street. Nope, the pause is now a full blown conversation stopper. Oh yeah, this isn't awkward at all. Guy started looking for the bird.
'Or maybe even "The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"?'
Yeah, smooth Guy. Saying the first thing that came into your head was a brilliant idea. Not.
Elly snorted '"The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"? how about "Who was Waiting for The One?"'
Guy grinned. Time for some devious subtlety. 'No, "The Jumper who was Really Badly Burnt in it's Last Relationship, and Doesn't Want to Commit Right Now!"'
Guy paused for the outburst of laughter. The bird started chirping again somewhere across the street. Maybe that didn't work as well as he thought it would? Subtle as a slegehammer, idiot. Maybe she thought you were still joking. Hopefully she won't pick it up.
'Or "The Jumper who Never got the Attention it Deserved, and thinks all the Guys are Twats"'
Yeah, she probably picked that one up. Nice work Guy, nice work.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?
So, I'm not used to sharing how I feel when things are good. Most of the time, it's "How are you?" "Fantastic!", but I guess this happiness owes things to others.
First up would have to be the Life Hacker himself. He shared with me some results about a study of people who lose weight, and (to cut a long story short), BASICALLY, when they reach their goals, they relax, and end up in a worse position. So they set new, lower goals, achieve, and relax, etc, etc. The point of his story was that, when you reach your goals (or the top of your sine wave), you need to reset your goals, and start as if you're at the bottom of another wave.
This gave me an idea. I was just heading upwards in my outlook of life. Coming up to the top of the sine wave, as it were, when I thought, screw it, lets go for gold. I already knew the reason I was feeling better was because I was spending more time with God, so I figured I'd spend more time with, and listen more to, God - which made me realise that I evalute my life on my intimacy with God. Mrs In Wonderland has a fantastic way of putting it. Your happy when your in line with your values. And my values are God (which I didn't know, but wasn't very surprised by).
So - Pushing in, pushing in, hearing more, praying more, spending more time with God... begins to feel like work. Begins to strain. Then 2 things happen at once.
A couple of nights ago, I have a conversation that begins in facestalking and arrives at Love. Whether either of us think there is a One for each person, etc, etc, etc, and we move onto not being able to love others without loving yourself. And I realise that, although I am not perfectly made, I am deliberately made. I might not like what I see in the mirror (mainly because, with a last name like Best, I expect 110%), but it's me, and I am made for a reason.
This was Revelation enough for a fair while, but the next day I was talking to both my mum and a close older friend about feeling burnt out in the pursuit of intimacy, and the summary of their replies came to the effect that: I don't need to strain to be 'Manly', or 'Godly'. I already am.
This one kinda rocked my socks off (if you see them, please send them back to me). For so long I was convinced I had just one more thing to learn. Just one more habit to break/develop to Be an Attractive Guy. Just one more moral stance to form an Opinion. Just one more level of righteousness to be a Mighty Man (if you haven't heard the term, check out 2 Samuel. Seriously - guys sold out to God, who ended up killing 500 people in 1 field, or out-wrestling 2 lions in the snow. INSPIRING!)
But I don't. I never have. People see me as someone who has it all together, and instead of scaring me, it's a truth I can be walking. I am good enough right here, right now, to do anything you ask of me, and if you don't like what happens, that is not my fault, that's your opinion.
I hate the fact this sounds like something I should have learnt somewhere around year 10, but for me, this is pretty huge. I guess the people reading this know me already, so I don't have to explain it further. I guess it's just allowing myself to not be perfect.
I cant believe how liberating this feels.
Pongo
First up would have to be the Life Hacker himself. He shared with me some results about a study of people who lose weight, and (to cut a long story short), BASICALLY, when they reach their goals, they relax, and end up in a worse position. So they set new, lower goals, achieve, and relax, etc, etc. The point of his story was that, when you reach your goals (or the top of your sine wave), you need to reset your goals, and start as if you're at the bottom of another wave.
This gave me an idea. I was just heading upwards in my outlook of life. Coming up to the top of the sine wave, as it were, when I thought, screw it, lets go for gold. I already knew the reason I was feeling better was because I was spending more time with God, so I figured I'd spend more time with, and listen more to, God - which made me realise that I evalute my life on my intimacy with God. Mrs In Wonderland has a fantastic way of putting it. Your happy when your in line with your values. And my values are God (which I didn't know, but wasn't very surprised by).
So - Pushing in, pushing in, hearing more, praying more, spending more time with God... begins to feel like work. Begins to strain. Then 2 things happen at once.
A couple of nights ago, I have a conversation that begins in facestalking and arrives at Love. Whether either of us think there is a One for each person, etc, etc, etc, and we move onto not being able to love others without loving yourself. And I realise that, although I am not perfectly made, I am deliberately made. I might not like what I see in the mirror (mainly because, with a last name like Best, I expect 110%), but it's me, and I am made for a reason.
This was Revelation enough for a fair while, but the next day I was talking to both my mum and a close older friend about feeling burnt out in the pursuit of intimacy, and the summary of their replies came to the effect that: I don't need to strain to be 'Manly', or 'Godly'. I already am.
This one kinda rocked my socks off (if you see them, please send them back to me). For so long I was convinced I had just one more thing to learn. Just one more habit to break/develop to Be an Attractive Guy. Just one more moral stance to form an Opinion. Just one more level of righteousness to be a Mighty Man (if you haven't heard the term, check out 2 Samuel. Seriously - guys sold out to God, who ended up killing 500 people in 1 field, or out-wrestling 2 lions in the snow. INSPIRING!)
But I don't. I never have. People see me as someone who has it all together, and instead of scaring me, it's a truth I can be walking. I am good enough right here, right now, to do anything you ask of me, and if you don't like what happens, that is not my fault, that's your opinion.
I hate the fact this sounds like something I should have learnt somewhere around year 10, but for me, this is pretty huge. I guess the people reading this know me already, so I don't have to explain it further. I guess it's just allowing myself to not be perfect.
I cant believe how liberating this feels.
Pongo
Saturday, May 29, 2010
What I Want
Okay. So. A list of what I want to achieve over the next few months/year:
1) I want to be taught to sing.
I've always wanted to sing well, but never had the balls/money for lessons. Well, to that mentality I say: Screw you, hippy!
2) I want to know what I Want
Never really considered that question for too long. And I have No Idea. It's not fun
3) I want to live with 1 other person(s) in a clean, cheap, central location
The place I am at now... is not clean. There are too many people. I want a nice clean house, near everything, that costs around $100 a week.
4) I want to try Adam's weight-eating-thingy (It brings out the Plum)
I want to see what happens. If the only outcome is me feeling better about myself, then WICKED!!!
5) I want to look back on this year and feel proud
Already, a fair amount of shit has gone down, but I've been remarkably positive about it all. I want that to remain. If it does, I will be VERY proud of myself. It's not often you find a way to maintain emotional health DESPITE circumstances. I would like to.
6) I want to be somewhat closer to discovering what I want to do with myself over the next 10 years
Cause I have no idea where I'm going. And as fun as that is, I at least would like a compass bearing. This will be helped greatly by answering point 2
7) I want to stop living a Performance Based Life
A really critical idea someone mentioned in passing in church is that we don't have to live a Performance Based Life. We cannot evalutae our worth purely on summarising situations into win/lose. Life is not meant to bee seen in black and white. I would like to stop.
8) I want to make a start toward forging my Book
I have HEAPS of short stories, ideas, and scraps of paper with indecipherable writing all over it. I would like a way to amalgamate it all into a semi-cohesive structure that is the start of my book.
The End
1) I want to be taught to sing.
I've always wanted to sing well, but never had the balls/money for lessons. Well, to that mentality I say: Screw you, hippy!
2) I want to know what I Want
Never really considered that question for too long. And I have No Idea. It's not fun
3) I want to live with 1 other person(s) in a clean, cheap, central location
The place I am at now... is not clean. There are too many people. I want a nice clean house, near everything, that costs around $100 a week.
4) I want to try Adam's weight-eating-thingy (It brings out the Plum)
I want to see what happens. If the only outcome is me feeling better about myself, then WICKED!!!
5) I want to look back on this year and feel proud
Already, a fair amount of shit has gone down, but I've been remarkably positive about it all. I want that to remain. If it does, I will be VERY proud of myself. It's not often you find a way to maintain emotional health DESPITE circumstances. I would like to.
6) I want to be somewhat closer to discovering what I want to do with myself over the next 10 years
Cause I have no idea where I'm going. And as fun as that is, I at least would like a compass bearing. This will be helped greatly by answering point 2
7) I want to stop living a Performance Based Life
A really critical idea someone mentioned in passing in church is that we don't have to live a Performance Based Life. We cannot evalutae our worth purely on summarising situations into win/lose. Life is not meant to bee seen in black and white. I would like to stop.
8) I want to make a start toward forging my Book
I have HEAPS of short stories, ideas, and scraps of paper with indecipherable writing all over it. I would like a way to amalgamate it all into a semi-cohesive structure that is the start of my book.
The End
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Middle of the Sine Wave (Up)
Wow, So... long time no Blog.
On the plus side, I now don't have a $1600 insurance claim hanging over my head. That's always a plus. On the down side, this is the second week I have less than $40 in my bank. Soooo close to Financial Lubrication.
Arg! What's bugging me? So, I've never claimed correctly on my Centrelink payments. I have lied in EVERY single one of them. And the other day, my friend was like 'Dude, they find that shit out. That's not cool', and it kinda killed my groove.
And, Tonight, I went to a party with my Friends, got a lift and had a bitch with Paul (always nice), drank wine... and hated being single, for no apparent reason.
So, just as a summary of my mindset, instead of feeling like the bottome of the Sine Wave, I'm feeling like this is as good as things are going to get for a while. I DID feel like things were looking up, and were going to be great. And that lasted all of 1 day. Now I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon. And either it will, and I'll have and Interrupted Sine Wave, or they won't and I'll find the Top of the Sine Wave.
It just sucks knowing nothing in my life is ACTUALLY wrong, but that nothing is fully right, either. It is an odd feeling, and I don't enjoy not being able to enjoy the times I know are good.
This is my blog. I am not looking for answers (I don't think I asked a question), I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. And that's about all I have to Say.
Jonathan
On the plus side, I now don't have a $1600 insurance claim hanging over my head. That's always a plus. On the down side, this is the second week I have less than $40 in my bank. Soooo close to Financial Lubrication.
Arg! What's bugging me? So, I've never claimed correctly on my Centrelink payments. I have lied in EVERY single one of them. And the other day, my friend was like 'Dude, they find that shit out. That's not cool', and it kinda killed my groove.
And, Tonight, I went to a party with my Friends, got a lift and had a bitch with Paul (always nice), drank wine... and hated being single, for no apparent reason.
So, just as a summary of my mindset, instead of feeling like the bottome of the Sine Wave, I'm feeling like this is as good as things are going to get for a while. I DID feel like things were looking up, and were going to be great. And that lasted all of 1 day. Now I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon. And either it will, and I'll have and Interrupted Sine Wave, or they won't and I'll find the Top of the Sine Wave.
It just sucks knowing nothing in my life is ACTUALLY wrong, but that nothing is fully right, either. It is an odd feeling, and I don't enjoy not being able to enjoy the times I know are good.
This is my blog. I am not looking for answers (I don't think I asked a question), I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. And that's about all I have to Say.
Jonathan
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
To Feel a Vague Feeling in Acute Pain
Because I don't know what I feel. But it hurts a lot, and it has something to do with you not being here.
I can't look at you anymore. I don't even want to know where you are. I hate your friends. I hate the way they treat everyone else. I hate their friends. I hate not knowing why I can't even think about you, when I can't stop thinking about you all day. You're there in my head; but you're not here on my bed.
I hate that I'm alone. I hate that no one did anything wrong. I hate not talking to you. I hate that talking to you makes me hate more. I hate that only time is stopping me.
I hate that I'm not hurting that much anymore.
I wore new shoes today. I danced them all the way home, thinking about someone else. They walked me all around town, into other people's homes, into other people's lives. Into other people's arms. I danced them home, and now I can see them, missing you still.
I think my eyes are the most innocent here. My mind fucks me up big time. Tells me you enjoy spending more time around others. Tells me you are having fun. Tells me you never did with me. Which is stupid. You did. But my mind loves to rake it's claws through my heart. And that's where you are still. In my heart. And that's just what my mind does. So if any of this offends you, you can take comfort that you're not the only one offended by this. I'm just growing, and your roots have tanlged with mine.
I'm so sorry.
I can't look at you anymore. I don't even want to know where you are. I hate your friends. I hate the way they treat everyone else. I hate their friends. I hate not knowing why I can't even think about you, when I can't stop thinking about you all day. You're there in my head; but you're not here on my bed.
I hate that I'm alone. I hate that no one did anything wrong. I hate not talking to you. I hate that talking to you makes me hate more. I hate that only time is stopping me.
I hate that I'm not hurting that much anymore.
I wore new shoes today. I danced them all the way home, thinking about someone else. They walked me all around town, into other people's homes, into other people's lives. Into other people's arms. I danced them home, and now I can see them, missing you still.
I think my eyes are the most innocent here. My mind fucks me up big time. Tells me you enjoy spending more time around others. Tells me you are having fun. Tells me you never did with me. Which is stupid. You did. But my mind loves to rake it's claws through my heart. And that's where you are still. In my heart. And that's just what my mind does. So if any of this offends you, you can take comfort that you're not the only one offended by this. I'm just growing, and your roots have tanlged with mine.
I'm so sorry.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The Bottom of the Sine Wave
Jonathan Best is too many things. Angry, at everyone else having fun. Happy, that life's getting back on track. Silly, in general. Sentimental, after visiting his Mum for Mothers day. And Inspired, by this weirdest combination of feelings.
LALALA!
So, it's been a while. Hi.
Just had a wee gander at the last post. Wow. It HAS been a while. A quick update - the whole 'What am I' thing is sitting nicely between the back and front of my mind (I guess you'd call it the middle), stewing like any good idea should. Being filtered through life and monitored round the clock (by which I mean "whenever I remember", which is not too often).
Point Numero uno: BALLS! Things can just suck. Presenting them as funny things (e.g. by saying BALLS), can help, but at the end of the day, it's not what it should be. I had a strange conversation (between other conversations), with Mrs In Wonderland about this. She seemed to say her default view of the world was that it was awesome. And sometimes you're sad things have happened, but then you go back to enjoying life.
Not I. My default is that this life is shit. Imagine what it could be. Everyday, at every point in time, imagine what could possibly happen, and then tell me this world is not boring, unfair, or just too random to care about.
I believe it is possible to walk on water. So why am I staying here? Which leads me to another interesting point. So, I missed a bus on Sunday, and went to another stop to catch another. There was a bus coming in 10 mins that would go the right way, and 5 mins after that, another bus going the wrong way. Easy. Wait 10 mins, jump on the bus, and end up going the wrong way. I NEVER not check the bus number before getting on, and more incredibly, they are NEVER early. Through another string of bizzare coincedences, I found myself waiting an hour at a bus stop half an hour from home, thinking: I'm fucking feed up with this shit.
If you don't believe in God, this next bit will annoy you, but I ended up telling Him that I was fucking pissed off with the way things were going, and if he didn't get his shit together... I'd do... something (it's at this point, when you realise you need God more than he needs you, that you also realise threatening him might not be the smartest idea). And I said, look: If there is a point to all this, I want to be at my destination by 8 (it was now 7:45). Enough was enough.
I didn't end up getting there till 9. But on the way, when I finally got on the bus at 8:22, I met a girl I knew from Uni, whom I hadn't talked to in years, who had also missed her bus, and ended up miles from anywhere, and was catching this bus to get her somewhere nearer where she needed to be. Like me. She was also going to a party for someone who was leaving for europe for 3 months. Like me. She had also had her license taken away for stupid reasons. Like me.
So, to cut a long story short, I ended up giving God the Benefit of the Doubt, and assuming he had something to make out of all this recent crap. Which begs the question: What is there to learn here?
Standard Christian response: trials grow us, we develop chracter, patience, etc, etc bla bla bla. Not that I don't believe that, but what Specifically is here? If God is into using bad times to mould people, I am going to end up one freaking awesome mother-licker!
Also, the power of music is awesome. Listen to On The Wing, by Owl City. I have now changed my mood.
So I guess it's time for Numero Duo: ... about that. I may have ranted for a little too long during Numero Uno, and forgotten Numero Duo.
Oops. :D
So, I guess, if you weren't me, and summarising this post, you'd say the point of these words was that I am a moody and easily swayed person. But you're not. And I needed this.
Jonathan
LALALA!
So, it's been a while. Hi.
Just had a wee gander at the last post. Wow. It HAS been a while. A quick update - the whole 'What am I' thing is sitting nicely between the back and front of my mind (I guess you'd call it the middle), stewing like any good idea should. Being filtered through life and monitored round the clock (by which I mean "whenever I remember", which is not too often).
Point Numero uno: BALLS! Things can just suck. Presenting them as funny things (e.g. by saying BALLS), can help, but at the end of the day, it's not what it should be. I had a strange conversation (between other conversations), with Mrs In Wonderland about this. She seemed to say her default view of the world was that it was awesome. And sometimes you're sad things have happened, but then you go back to enjoying life.
Not I. My default is that this life is shit. Imagine what it could be. Everyday, at every point in time, imagine what could possibly happen, and then tell me this world is not boring, unfair, or just too random to care about.
I believe it is possible to walk on water. So why am I staying here? Which leads me to another interesting point. So, I missed a bus on Sunday, and went to another stop to catch another. There was a bus coming in 10 mins that would go the right way, and 5 mins after that, another bus going the wrong way. Easy. Wait 10 mins, jump on the bus, and end up going the wrong way. I NEVER not check the bus number before getting on, and more incredibly, they are NEVER early. Through another string of bizzare coincedences, I found myself waiting an hour at a bus stop half an hour from home, thinking: I'm fucking feed up with this shit.
If you don't believe in God, this next bit will annoy you, but I ended up telling Him that I was fucking pissed off with the way things were going, and if he didn't get his shit together... I'd do... something (it's at this point, when you realise you need God more than he needs you, that you also realise threatening him might not be the smartest idea). And I said, look: If there is a point to all this, I want to be at my destination by 8 (it was now 7:45). Enough was enough.
I didn't end up getting there till 9. But on the way, when I finally got on the bus at 8:22, I met a girl I knew from Uni, whom I hadn't talked to in years, who had also missed her bus, and ended up miles from anywhere, and was catching this bus to get her somewhere nearer where she needed to be. Like me. She was also going to a party for someone who was leaving for europe for 3 months. Like me. She had also had her license taken away for stupid reasons. Like me.
So, to cut a long story short, I ended up giving God the Benefit of the Doubt, and assuming he had something to make out of all this recent crap. Which begs the question: What is there to learn here?
Standard Christian response: trials grow us, we develop chracter, patience, etc, etc bla bla bla. Not that I don't believe that, but what Specifically is here? If God is into using bad times to mould people, I am going to end up one freaking awesome mother-licker!
Also, the power of music is awesome. Listen to On The Wing, by Owl City. I have now changed my mood.
So I guess it's time for Numero Duo: ... about that. I may have ranted for a little too long during Numero Uno, and forgotten Numero Duo.
Oops. :D
So, I guess, if you weren't me, and summarising this post, you'd say the point of these words was that I am a moody and easily swayed person. But you're not. And I needed this.
Jonathan
Sunday, April 11, 2010
To be, and what to be. That is the Question
My friend and I were talking the other night about ourselves, self-perception, and the transactioning of respect. He said something that I can't stop thinking about. He told me he thought I was smart; that I had discoverd who I was, but that I needed to find out what I was. I didn't know there were options. What am I? I'm sensing the answer we're looking for is not just 'Human'.
Although, maybe it is. The best way to describe Who I am is 'Me'. So maybe the best way to describe What I am is also 'Me', or 'Human'.
We were talking about giving and demanding respect in equal amounts, so maybe what you are determines how you recieve respect.
What you are. What a strange idea. What am I made of? what am I aligning myself with? Or what comprises my mindset/decision making/imagination?
What if I am a writer? They don't fight at all. Except in fiction. I don't know if I'd like that. What if I was something that had never been before? How would that affect me? others? you?
What am I?
What a strange question. I am working tomorrow. I will think about it then.
Jonathan
Although, maybe it is. The best way to describe Who I am is 'Me'. So maybe the best way to describe What I am is also 'Me', or 'Human'.
We were talking about giving and demanding respect in equal amounts, so maybe what you are determines how you recieve respect.
What you are. What a strange idea. What am I made of? what am I aligning myself with? Or what comprises my mindset/decision making/imagination?
What if I am a writer? They don't fight at all. Except in fiction. I don't know if I'd like that. What if I was something that had never been before? How would that affect me? others? you?
What am I?
What a strange question. I am working tomorrow. I will think about it then.
Jonathan
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Point
So, one thing I've noticed is that, throughout life, you're learning to break away from things. Maybe that's just my experience or perception, but it tends to happen a lot. Friends turn on you, and you learn to live without other people's opinions - or at least are introduced to the idea - in primary school.
You learn to live without a car when you lose your license. You learn to live without a (well established) home when you move out. You learn to live without a family when it falls apart.
And you find substitutes, but, just as the word impluies, they are never as good as the original. Maybe that's the 15 - 30 year old's journey. To learn to do without. Then you begin supplying it to your friends, loved ones, family, when you build the financial/emotional/physical base to do so.
Just an observation. Things are taken away from you when you are young. You cope.
One day you will provide.
Love,
Jonathan
You learn to live without a car when you lose your license. You learn to live without a (well established) home when you move out. You learn to live without a family when it falls apart.
And you find substitutes, but, just as the word impluies, they are never as good as the original. Maybe that's the 15 - 30 year old's journey. To learn to do without. Then you begin supplying it to your friends, loved ones, family, when you build the financial/emotional/physical base to do so.
Just an observation. Things are taken away from you when you are young. You cope.
One day you will provide.
Love,
Jonathan
Sunday, February 28, 2010
A Realistic Mind
It stops you flying through red lights; it tells you you're wrong.
It tells you you're not really alone, and laughs at your imagination.
It puts food on your table and holes in your dreams.
It helps you deal with shit that hasn't yet happened, and shit that has.
It tells you you forgot something very important. It tells you you don't need anyone.
So keep dreaming.
You'll always be right, and driving horribly.
You'll have wonderful times on your own.
You'll be eating noodles, but dreaming a feast.
You're head will kill you with 'should have's and 'could have's.
You'll realise the most important thing is who you are, and you'll need someone to share it with.
It tells you you're not really alone, and laughs at your imagination.
It puts food on your table and holes in your dreams.
It helps you deal with shit that hasn't yet happened, and shit that has.
It tells you you forgot something very important. It tells you you don't need anyone.
So keep dreaming.
You'll always be right, and driving horribly.
You'll have wonderful times on your own.
You'll be eating noodles, but dreaming a feast.
You're head will kill you with 'should have's and 'could have's.
You'll realise the most important thing is who you are, and you'll need someone to share it with.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Survival
So hello again,
This is a surprisingly recent post from the last one (at least for me), but life has a way of saving itself for you, to give you large doses of itself every now and again.
For me, the past couple of days have been hectic. If I had less metal stamina, they might have been stressful, but sometimes you have to laugh when your mother goes to the hospital, and the next morning you're up at 8 to help re-carpet the house your parents are about to move out of seperatly. Life, it seems, has no qualms about mashing those activities together.
So all in all, not exactly the greatest of days. Fun, but not nice. One thing I found, though, was an interesting blog called 'I Wrote This For You'. I Wrote This For You is a project created by Iain Thomas, a nurse who works at the Valkenburg insane asylum in Cape Town. The notes are scrawled by several of the patients and collected by Iain Thomas at the start of every week.
The pictures are supplied by the Magnesium Photography agency in Japan, and are curated and managed by Japanese artist and recluse, Jon Ellis as a “charity project.”
The pictures and quotes are sold as postcards in the hospital shop, with proceeds going directly to the inmates. It's a thought provoking and hauntingly beautiful site that makes you stop and think, which today is no small feat. Try it out. Check it out. I like it
Jonathan
This is a surprisingly recent post from the last one (at least for me), but life has a way of saving itself for you, to give you large doses of itself every now and again.
For me, the past couple of days have been hectic. If I had less metal stamina, they might have been stressful, but sometimes you have to laugh when your mother goes to the hospital, and the next morning you're up at 8 to help re-carpet the house your parents are about to move out of seperatly. Life, it seems, has no qualms about mashing those activities together.
So all in all, not exactly the greatest of days. Fun, but not nice. One thing I found, though, was an interesting blog called 'I Wrote This For You'. I Wrote This For You is a project created by Iain Thomas, a nurse who works at the Valkenburg insane asylum in Cape Town. The notes are scrawled by several of the patients and collected by Iain Thomas at the start of every week.
The pictures are supplied by the Magnesium Photography agency in Japan, and are curated and managed by Japanese artist and recluse, Jon Ellis as a “charity project.”
The pictures and quotes are sold as postcards in the hospital shop, with proceeds going directly to the inmates. It's a thought provoking and hauntingly beautiful site that makes you stop and think, which today is no small feat. Try it out. Check it out. I like it
Jonathan
Saturday, February 20, 2010
The Catch-Up
So, finally I have enough internal momentum to write my second blog. Not just the introduction, but the first 'blog'. Fun fun. I kinda prefer bottling up the writing urge till it expodes honestly onto whatever I'm writing on. So here goes.
I guess what's been sitting on my mind is a question. A question based on an observation, that I really, really cared about the opinions of a group of people before. And now I don't at all. Not that that's strange; life happens, and we all deal with different things in the same way and the same things in different ways every day, but it does make me think. What gave?
Yes, people change, but where? When?
Obviously, living apart from people, you don't let their thoughts filter your experience of your life in conversation, but this wasn't just "I haven't seen you in ages, what's happening?", I actually couldn't give a crap about these people I trusted with my life. And you have to extrapolate that into what's happening in your life right now. Will I care about the people I like now? I want to. I hope so, I'd be very disappointed if I didn't in three years. I like these people a lot more then I ever did the last group, I think. But again, I'm sure I said that of the last group too.
Interesting, that's all. Nothing profound, I'm just wondering about how living a certain way will affect me. Will I care about my current cirlce of people for longer if I force myself to stay in contact, or is this just one of those things you need to relax into and accept as fluid and temporary?
One interesting thought, though. In every circle of friends I have moved on from, there has always been one or two people I've stayed in contact with. And they are my most trusted friends. Life's facebook-cull system, perhaps?
This really isn't turning into anything approaching productive, but it is good for me to splurge my brain every once in a while. Hence the beginning of the blog.
To be honest, I think I'm just glad I felt mature enough to seperate myself from the aspects of those people I didn't like.
I guess what's been sitting on my mind is a question. A question based on an observation, that I really, really cared about the opinions of a group of people before. And now I don't at all. Not that that's strange; life happens, and we all deal with different things in the same way and the same things in different ways every day, but it does make me think. What gave?
Yes, people change, but where? When?
Obviously, living apart from people, you don't let their thoughts filter your experience of your life in conversation, but this wasn't just "I haven't seen you in ages, what's happening?", I actually couldn't give a crap about these people I trusted with my life. And you have to extrapolate that into what's happening in your life right now. Will I care about the people I like now? I want to. I hope so, I'd be very disappointed if I didn't in three years. I like these people a lot more then I ever did the last group, I think. But again, I'm sure I said that of the last group too.
Interesting, that's all. Nothing profound, I'm just wondering about how living a certain way will affect me. Will I care about my current cirlce of people for longer if I force myself to stay in contact, or is this just one of those things you need to relax into and accept as fluid and temporary?
One interesting thought, though. In every circle of friends I have moved on from, there has always been one or two people I've stayed in contact with. And they are my most trusted friends. Life's facebook-cull system, perhaps?
This really isn't turning into anything approaching productive, but it is good for me to splurge my brain every once in a while. Hence the beginning of the blog.
To be honest, I think I'm just glad I felt mature enough to seperate myself from the aspects of those people I didn't like.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)