To Feel a Vague Feeling in Acute Pain

Because I don't know what I feel. But it hurts a lot, and it has something to do with you not being here.


I can't look at you anymore. I don't even want to know where you are. I hate your friends. I hate the way they treat everyone else. I hate their friends. I hate not knowing why I can't even think about you, when I can't stop thinking about you all day. You're there in my head; but you're not here on my bed.
I hate that I'm alone. I hate that no one did anything wrong. I hate not talking to you. I hate that talking to you makes me hate more. I hate that only time is stopping me.
I hate that I'm not hurting that much anymore.


I wore new shoes today. I danced them all the way home, thinking about someone else. They walked me all around town, into other people's homes, into other people's lives. Into other people's arms. I danced them home, and now I can see them, missing you still.


I think my eyes are the most innocent here. My mind fucks me up big time. Tells me you enjoy spending more time around others. Tells me you are having fun. Tells me you never did with me. Which is stupid. You did. But my mind loves to rake it's claws through my heart. And that's where you are still. In my heart. And that's just what my mind does. So if any of this offends you, you can take comfort that you're not the only one offended by this. I'm just growing, and your roots have tanlged with mine.


I'm so sorry.

The Bottom of the Sine Wave

Jonathan Best is too many things. Angry, at everyone else having fun. Happy, that life's getting back on track. Silly, in general. Sentimental, after visiting his Mum for Mothers day. And Inspired, by this weirdest combination of feelings.


LALALA!

So, it's been a while. Hi.

Just had a wee gander at the last post. Wow. It HAS been a while. A quick update - the whole 'What am I' thing is sitting nicely between the back and front of my mind (I guess you'd call it the middle), stewing like any good idea should. Being filtered through life and monitored round the clock (by which I mean "whenever I remember", which is not too often).

Point Numero uno: BALLS! Things can just suck. Presenting them as funny things (e.g. by saying BALLS), can help, but at the end of the day, it's not what it should be. I had a strange conversation (between other conversations), with Mrs In Wonderland about this. She seemed to say her default view of the world was that it was awesome. And sometimes you're sad things have happened, but then you go back to enjoying life.
Not I. My default is that this life is shit. Imagine what it could be. Everyday, at every point in time, imagine what could possibly happen, and then tell me this world is not boring, unfair, or just too random to care about.

I believe it is possible to walk on water. So why am I staying here? Which leads me to another interesting point. So, I missed a bus on Sunday, and went to another stop to catch another. There was a bus coming in 10 mins that would go the right way, and 5 mins after that, another bus going the wrong way. Easy. Wait 10 mins, jump on the bus, and end up going the wrong way. I NEVER not check the bus number before getting on, and more incredibly, they are NEVER early. Through another string of bizzare coincedences, I found myself waiting an hour at a bus stop half an hour from home, thinking: I'm fucking feed up with this shit.

If you don't believe in God, this next bit will annoy you, but I ended up telling Him that I was fucking pissed off with the way things were going, and if he didn't get his shit together... I'd do... something (it's at this point, when you realise you need God more than he needs you, that you also realise threatening him might not be the smartest idea). And I said, look: If there is a point to all this, I want to be at my destination by 8 (it was now 7:45). Enough was enough.

I didn't end up getting there till 9. But on the way, when I finally got on the bus at 8:22, I met a girl I knew from Uni, whom I hadn't talked to in years, who had also missed her bus, and ended up miles from anywhere, and was catching this bus to get her somewhere nearer where she needed to be. Like me. She was also going to a party for someone who was leaving for europe for 3 months. Like me. She had also had her license taken away for stupid reasons. Like me.

So, to cut a long story short, I ended up giving God the Benefit of the Doubt, and assuming he had something to make out of all this recent crap. Which begs the question: What is there to learn here?
Standard Christian response: trials grow us, we develop chracter, patience, etc, etc bla bla bla. Not that I don't believe that, but what Specifically is here? If God is into using bad times to mould people, I am going to end up one freaking awesome mother-licker!

Also, the power of music is awesome. Listen to On The Wing, by Owl City. I have now changed my mood.


So I guess it's time for Numero Duo: ... about that. I may have ranted for a little too long during Numero Uno, and forgotten Numero Duo.

Oops. :D

So, I guess, if you weren't me, and summarising this post, you'd say the point of these words was that I am a moody and easily swayed person. But you're not. And I needed this.



Jonathan

To be, and what to be. That is the Question

My friend and I were talking the other night about ourselves, self-perception, and the transactioning of respect. He said something that I can't stop thinking about. He told me he thought I was smart; that I had discoverd who I was, but that I needed to find out what I was. I didn't know there were options. What am I? I'm sensing the answer we're looking for is not just 'Human'.

Although, maybe it is. The best way to describe Who I am is 'Me'. So maybe the best way to describe What I am is also 'Me', or 'Human'.

We were talking about giving and demanding respect in equal amounts, so maybe what you are determines how you recieve respect.

What you are. What a strange idea. What am I made of? what am I aligning myself with? Or what comprises my mindset/decision making/imagination?

What if I am a writer? They don't fight at all. Except in fiction. I don't know if I'd like that. What if I was something that had never been before? How would that affect me? others? you?

What am I?

What a strange question. I am working tomorrow. I will think about it then.


Jonathan

The Point

So, one thing I've noticed is that, throughout life, you're learning to break away from things. Maybe that's just my experience or perception, but it tends to happen a lot. Friends turn on you, and you learn to live without other people's opinions - or at least are introduced to the idea - in primary school.

You learn to live without a car when you lose your license. You learn to live without a (well established) home when you move out. You learn to live without a family when it falls apart.

And you find substitutes, but, just as the word impluies, they are never as good as the original. Maybe that's the 15 - 30 year old's journey. To learn to do without. Then you begin supplying it to your friends, loved ones, family, when you build the financial/emotional/physical base to do so.

Just an observation. Things are taken away from you when you are young. You cope.

One day you will provide.

Love,



Jonathan

A Realistic Mind

It stops you flying through red lights; it tells you you're wrong.
It tells you you're not really alone, and laughs at your imagination.
It puts food on your table and holes in your dreams.
It helps you deal with shit that hasn't yet happened, and shit that has.
It tells you you forgot something very important. It tells you you don't need anyone.

So keep dreaming.
You'll always be right, and driving horribly.
You'll have wonderful times on your own.
You'll be eating noodles, but dreaming a feast.
You're head will kill you with 'should have's and 'could have's.
You'll realise the most important thing is who you are, and you'll need someone to share it with.

Survival

So hello again,

This is a surprisingly recent post from the last one (at least for me), but life has a way of saving itself for you, to give you large doses of itself every now and again.

For me, the past couple of days have been hectic. If I had less metal stamina, they might have been stressful, but sometimes you have to laugh when your mother goes to the hospital, and the next morning you're up at 8 to help re-carpet the house your parents are about to move out of seperatly. Life, it seems, has no qualms about mashing those activities together.

So all in all, not exactly the greatest of days. Fun, but not nice. One thing I found, though, was an interesting blog called 'I Wrote This For You'. I Wrote This For You is a project created by Iain Thomas, a nurse who works at the Valkenburg insane asylum in Cape Town. The notes are scrawled by several of the patients and collected by Iain Thomas at the start of every week.

The pictures are supplied by the Magnesium Photography agency in Japan, and are curated and managed by Japanese artist and recluse, Jon Ellis as a “charity project.”

The pictures and quotes are sold as postcards in the hospital shop, with proceeds going directly to the inmates. It's a thought provoking and hauntingly beautiful site that makes you stop and think, which today is no small feat. Try it out. Check it out. I like it


Jonathan

The Catch-Up

So, finally I have enough internal momentum to write my second blog. Not just the introduction, but the first 'blog'. Fun fun. I kinda prefer bottling up the writing urge till it expodes honestly onto whatever I'm writing on. So here goes.

I guess what's been sitting on my mind is a question. A question based on an observation, that I really, really cared about the opinions of a group of people before. And now I don't at all. Not that that's strange; life happens, and we all deal with different things in the same way and the same things in different ways every day, but it does make me think. What gave?

Yes, people change, but where? When?

Obviously, living apart from people, you don't let their thoughts filter your experience of your life in conversation, but this wasn't just "I haven't seen you in ages, what's happening?", I actually couldn't give a crap about these people I trusted with my life. And you have to extrapolate that into what's happening in your life right now. Will I care about the people I like now? I want to. I hope so, I'd be very disappointed if I didn't in three years. I like these people a lot more then I ever did the last group, I think. But again, I'm sure I said that of the last group too.

Interesting, that's all. Nothing profound, I'm just wondering about how living a certain way will affect me. Will I care about my current cirlce of people for longer if I force myself to stay in contact, or is this just one of those things you need to relax into and accept as fluid and temporary?

One interesting thought, though. In every circle of friends I have moved on from, there has always been one or two people I've stayed in contact with. And they are my most trusted friends. Life's facebook-cull system, perhaps?

This really isn't turning into anything approaching productive, but it is good for me to splurge my brain every once in a while. Hence the beginning of the blog.

To be honest, I think I'm just glad I felt mature enough to seperate myself from the aspects of those people I didn't like.