The Monster within

So no blogs recently ('what's new?' you say). To be honest, I don't care. Life's been not noteworthy recently. Not in a bad way, I've just been chillin and doing stuff I don't need to discuss. I know where to go next, and it's not anything new. Except this.

I've been giving something up lately. It's not an addiction, and it's nothing bad for me, I've just noticed I do it a lot, ever since I can remember, and I decided to stop. MOST DIFFICULT THING EVER!

I'm Christian, and I'm pretty sure this is something God agrees would be better left out of my life, so I pray. Kind of vainly. I've tried giving this up before. I go through the motions. Yes, it's working - to an extent. No, I'm not getting anything new from God. No, It's not working anymore. I need God. Standard Christian Cycle.

Except this time, I recieve the motherload. I define Grace as 'The power and will to do the will of God'. In other words, if God gives you grace, you want to do whatever it takes to get closer to him, and suddenly you've got the oomph to back it up. And I got a shit-tonne of it. For a fortnight, I didn't even think about what I was trying to beat. I wasn't trying anymore. It was beaten. I was ecstatic. Then I screwed up.

I went back to what I was doing before, and the grace went too. Over 3 days, things suddenly got harder again. I'd say things were impossible, now that I'd tasted freedom. How bitter to go back to chains you've already broken. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. I still feel that way, but what it has shown me is a side of me I didn't think I had.

And this is the point: I found a monster in me. Not something to be ashamed of. Not something I think is bad. But something that Demands. It wants. It strives. It chases. And the worst part is, I agree with it so often. The dialogue does not go 'I WANT! Well, let me think about this... I WANT! Oh, okay'. There IS no dialogue. I find myself doing things I don't agree with. I agree with things I don't do. I'm a mess.

But I'm me. I think the strangest part of all this is how completely okay I am with all this. I don't want encouragement in this fight, because I'm sure it will take evry part of me to fight. That's cool. I don't need reassurance. I know I'm the most normal person I know. I just want to point out that I'm sure we all have a side, or a part, or an animal, that just wants everything NOW! And in most cases, we have fought the fight. We tell it to shut up and sit down, we'll get round to it soon. But how far have you mined the depths of your heart? Are there things you take for granted that don't have to be, but you know you've settled because the fight is too great? Fight it. I am.


Jonathan

Eish!

Man, I've had a look at my blog, and I whinge a lot! Well, not really. The blog is the only place to express such things, but still. Maybe it's because my parents are English :)

But yes. All three things have turned out good. I am now in Grey London, and it's not as fun as I thought. I think that's only because it's the first time I've travelled to a major city, and not had someone else there to share it with and talk about it. I took some photos, but not many. It's kinda fun, but I'm more looking forward to Bulgaria next week, then Paris after that!

Anyway, that is all. That's what happens when you don't blog about bad stuff, you don't have much to say :)


Jonathan

Peace (or Purposeful Ignorance)

On the surface of things, it appears that I have a huge challenge ahead. A mountain in front of me, and a promise that I'd be on the other side tomorrow. But I am not worried. After all, what's a mountain but sloped ground?

The situation:
- I told a special friend that I would be in England on Wednesday. Due to money not coming through yet, I shall have to wait till monday to book the ticket.
- I have just $600 spending money for a 4-week holiday to England, Bulgaria, Paris and home again
- I have just found somebody I am fairly interested in, and I leave in 3.5 days. Then 4 months after I come back, she leaves for 4 months

All of which, individually, are potentially mindboggling in their capacity for inducing stress. None of which phase me too much. My mental, internal answer to the demands of pressure is a vague, ignorant smile; much like the one you would give to the crazy man who talks to you on the train.

And ignorant is the key word here. Because I am certain of three things:
It is possible for me to back out now.
It is also possible for me to succeed greatly.
I will want to back out if I think about the facts.

In fact, it could be described as a battle between the 'Facts' and the Hopes. 'Facts' like 'You know the money won't last' 'You may not be able to book the ticket so close to departure' 'You don't have to go'. And Hopes like 'I've been in worse places' 'Things will work out for my benefit' 'This is going to be an awesome trip'

So I am choosing to not be informed of the 'Facts', but rather to be completely besotted with the Hopes. Ignorant, yes. Nieve, possibly. Stupid, no. Because sometimes the best Peace is not found with Knowledge, but Self-Knowledge :)


Jonathan

5 Step Plan to Take Over the Universe!

Well Hello!

So, I kinda haven't blogged in months, but I can explain. I was overseas. That said, looking at my last blog, things have changed, gone up and down, and kinda ended up in a very similar position. Ah travel, how you ruin our perceptions.

SO! I won't bore you with where my friend and I went, as I don't have any pictures, because my friend has the camera, and he can't get it to work. Balls. BUT, I did discover a 5 step plan to own a house in a couple of years, and from there, take over the universe.

I say discover, because I didn't really think of it, the bones of the idea just popped into my head, and I embellished. But I guess the main reason I didn't dismiss this out of hand without thinking about it is because, for the first time when I went travelling, I left the country missing home. Maybe it's the people I've met this past year. Maybe I realised I actually have no problem with growing older here. Maybe I have set up everything here already. I don't know. But I do know that today, when I thought about how to aquire a house here, I enjoyed planning to stay here for the next 5 years.

SO! My five step plan starts when I get back from England (I leave in a week, to spend ALL my money my grandma put aside for me. Instead of saving for, say, a house. Can anyone say 'Irony'?). It goes like this:

STEP 1: Work your ass off for 2 years, save $40,000.
I have never had a fulltime job. I enjoy not working the normal hours others work. And maybe I will continue this by working at a bar or something, but I plan to work full, 40 hour weeks. Man that sounds scary! Also, working at a bar or a store earns you around $40,000 a year (or $800 a week). I have survived this year on around $200 a week. At one point I was earning $400 a week and I saved a grand a month. Give me twice the salary, I save $400 a week, I end up with $40,000 in 2 years. Easy.

STEP 2: Buy a $500,000 house.
Borrow 10,000 from parents, friends, charity, bums, whoever. Then grab a half million dollar house with a 10% deposit. Oh yeah. Make sure it's a house I would like to live in (because eventually I will)

STEP 3: Find people to rent my house
In Perth, prices are ridiculous, so it shouldn't be too hard to find people who will rent the house off me, and charge them enough for the repayments on the mortgage (maybe plus a little for my hard work)

STEP 4: Grab a second house as a booster
Use the first house as collateral, use the same mortgage-rent trick as before, wait 2 years for the house price to go up, kick out the tenants, sell the house, put it towards the first house. Hopefully, by that stage, most of the house is paid off.

STEP 5: Move into house. Take over universe.
Being used to paying rent, this last year of greatly increased rent should be bearable, because I will be paying off the last of my house. Job done. Take over th universe.
The End


Now, this is not a good plan. This is not the best plan. But it is A plan. Which I have not had before. I call that a win :)


Jonathan

Three Little Words

Okay, so as a lovely friend (Her Travel Romance) pointed out to me the other day, I actually have a LOT to blog about. But for now, that's not going to happen, I'm just going to get rid of what's been rattling around inside my head for a week or two now. More about directing Shakespeare and organising trips around the world later.

So I was at a party the other night, and got to spend some time with a friend who I haven't spent a good deal of time with recently. And, just personal development-wise, I had been kinda levelling out for a while. No input, no challenge. Not through any fault of my own, but you all know what I'm talking about. You just go for months on end without ever having a decent sit-down conversation with someone that goes any deeper than 'What have you done in the past week'?

So, as luck would have it, my friend, Lifehacker, is one of those people interested in what lies beneath the 'I worked this week' surface, and he said to me something I hope I never forget. In trying to phrase himself nicely, he was hemming and hawing, and I gave him full permission to be as harsh as he wanted, and I'm glad he did.

He told me this: Stop coping out.

Essentially that was all (he reiterated his point a few times, but that was what stuck with me), and first of all, I was so glad he told me, cause I needed it. Just thinking about the idea of coping out on yourself. Having the opportunity to be you, and not seizing it. That spoke volumes to me. After working so hard to find Me, I was still shutting myself up at points. Well no more, said I. And the next week was great. It was as if I was not afraid of anything

Then I started thinking. I'm not sure if it's all males or just me, but usually this signifies the beginning of the end. Thinking is not usually a good idea, though it's what I do. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of poeple have told me to stop thinking so much.

I've been thinking about where I 'cop out', and suddenly, a lot of insecurities began to rise. 'He doesn't know how hard it is', 'It hurts', 'I need it'. Why? Why do I feel ashamed of having copped out? What is hiding beneath the 'cop out' response? Why am I going backwards? This was a good thing for a week, now my mind is determined to percieve it as an attack.

I think I may know. I am meeting this coming week with Mrs in Wonderland, and I shall find out then, methinks. For those of you who know of her Jedi skills, you may be able to appreciate my excitement and slight hesitation at the idea of fixing my head. It shall be fun. Messy, painful and fun. Aren't all the beautiful things?


Jonathan

A Decision

Oh Herro!

Just wondering if I'm the only one here, but have you ever had that conversation that changes the way you percieve the last year or so? You had an idea in your head of what was going on, and now it's different? Cause I just did, this morning. And it got me thinking.

I've been feeling a little hard-done-by recently. Not annoyed, just feeling like I'd been walking down the same road for way too long, and it was time to change. To break out. To start over. Then I had this conversation, about life, about God, about the process of development, and at one point, this last year went from being a pointless and difficult trek through a desert, to a refining and wholly neccessary process.

Obviously, I feel incredibly greatful for the whole experience, but it also makes me think: How important are the stories we tell to ourselves? We all narrate our past day, week, major events into bite-size stories, with us as the main character, and either good or bad things happening. Then we string together the ones we remember into year-long ballads, decade-long sagas, and life-long odysseys, and the repeated symbols and meanings we draw from them become our own definition of ourselves.

And then it hits me. The reason we have such bad images of who and where and how we are is because we only ever remember the bad things. The stories where we got it wrong. The tragedies. And we use these stories as our sagas, because we forget the little good things.

So here goes. These are the little good things of the past two weeks:
I was asked out.
Someone I'd met for the second time said she liked my laugh, it made her feel important and funny at the same time.
I told Mrs In Wonderland that I reckoned I was an omni-vert, and she 'almost shot porridge out her nose' (her words)
I taught 200 people how to swing dance. I've only been dancing less than a year, and I had never taught before. Everybody now loves it.
I had a conversation with a really nice girl afterwards, and asked her out for coffee. The resulting conversation began this blog.

That's all I can remember for now, but maybe I should do this more often,


Jonathan

10,000 Years

Quoting Disney's Aladdin: "Ten Thousand Yeeeaarrrss, will give you Such a Crick in the Neck! Hold a mimnute. Whoooooooooooow does it feel good to be outta there!"

So, I now have the internet back, and for the first time in about 5 weeks, I can blog. I feel like the Genie (above) :)

So. I need to combine about 3 blogs into one. They would be entitled The Imagination Trap, the Ninja Valley (or the Anomally), and Circles within Circles. All at the same time. So here is le mammoth blog, with three seperate and intertwining stories.


So, I had asked a girl for coffee for a couple of weeks in a row, and had kinda given up hope she would ever accept. Then she did. Cool. She was just a friend, and now we could catch up.

And we did, and I was really happy that we connected so well. For the first time, I found a girl I could understand. Though we had fairly different interests, we had very similar thought processes, so I knew where she was coming from, and was comfortable assuming she felt the same. So I booked another time. And the next day, it struck.

I was at work, in the slowest week I have EVER worked, and I had a lot of time to think. My friend went from being easy to understand, to a romantic possiblity, to a committed certainty. All through the sunny paths of Imagination.

The next week we caught up, she brought her friend, and her friends boyfriend, and her friends sisters baby. Huh. No real romance possibilities with baby drool on shoulders. Epic Normality, which if I hadn't imagined anything, would have been fine. But I had, and it wasn't. I NEED MORE ALONE TIME WITH THIS FUTURE CERTAINTY! More coffee! Sooner! ... Or, she's housesitting a house VERY close to me. She wants me over for dinner one night? DONE! Yeah! All my christmases at once. I'M IN!

This is where I need to break for Story 2. I had been committed to my view from my blog "The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?", and although I wasn't still believing I had everything together, I was pushing on pushing in. As Life Hacker recently posted, I was Determined to keep a constant upwards graph, not a sinewave. But looking back now, to be honest, all that went out the window as I got caught up in the Imaginationship (I just made that word up). But back to Story 1

Dinner arrives, as do I with a bottle of wine. We cook dinner, watch a movie together on the couch. We laugh, talk, and generally enjoy each other's company... and then she has to be at uni tomorrow, so goodbye. Wait, what? But, my Imagination says this is the perfect opportunity. I don't understand.

The next few days, I'm crushed. What's wrong with me? Why didn't it work out? There's still a week left. Maybe more coffee will help! But her dad's had a motorbike accident, and she now has no time left for me...

No time left for a hideous monster. Because that's obviously the only answer. I screwed it up somehow. I'm horrible. I'm Second-place. I give her space and tell myself I'm a failure. 2 long weeks go by, during which my sinewave/uphill trend thing takes a battering, but averages a flatline, and I call that fair. I reckon it's kinda good, considering where it could have gone.

So. I rock up to a movie night, and she's there, along with 2 other girls (one of whom I've gone out with before) and a guy I'm friends with. The entire night, she says not one word to me. Not one. In fact, all three girls studiously say NOTHING to me all evening. Everbody sits on the couch furthest away from me, and say things all evening that make me fairly angry. Not that I want to whinge, but they were putting in Effort to ignore me.

I haven't been that pissed off in a long time. I remember I have weights, and am very close to an Ocean. Suicide is not an unfamiliar thought, and it enjoys my prescence that night in a way it hasn't for a long, long time. I eventually sleep without the heater, kept warm by my anger.

In terms of Sinewave theology, this was an epic low. Something that usually takes months to degenerate into, ninja-ed upon me in 1 night. Maybe because I had been going up for so long, it needed correcting, or... I don't know. The Sinewave theory works because the pattern fits really freaking well, and here was something I've never seen before. An Anomally. A Ninja Valley. So I slept. And woke changed.

I am burning with a cold, slow burn now. But, thinking about it for just 10 minutes, I realise I am not angry with any Person at all. I am angry with some aspect of the situation. I take the entire day to sort my head out, and something amazing happens. Normally, this kind of thing takes a month or two to fully work out of my system, but for the first time, it's happening in one day. By that night, I have forgiven all people involved - including myself - justified my actions, and realised this pain is based on an insecurity I know is Ridiculous. In one day.

The next day I wake up with just a Heartache. It takes me half a day to realise the insecurity I thought it was is just a front for a much deeper fear of being ignored. By the afternoon, I have laid down solid reasons why I am not ignored, and found myself ensconsed in God, the thermometer of my life. I look back to my happiness at the start of the year, and realise I'm right back where I started. I walk to the shops, and feel perfect. 2 days, instead of 2 months.

Again going back to Story 2, the flipside of a Ninja Valley - a Ninja Recovery. By now I am happy to say I am on a completely different pattern. I have no idea what the Anomally was, but it seemed to have been corrected. More than corrected, I feel better than I have all year.

As I reflect upon this, I see Story 3 (don't worry, it's a quickey). Before I lost my drivers license, I was in a really solid place. My life was coming together nicely, and because of that, I wasn't putting any effort into God. Looking back now, I can see where situations I thought were lucky escapes can be interpreted as warnings. So when I drive now, I make sure I am talking to God a lot more, and when I see these signs, I make sure to stop driving for a day or two and focus on God again.

This is how I feel about my some of my friends. I went from a very sheltered Christian school straight into an Arts degree, and received a sort of social Baptism of Fire in terms of what to do and not do. Most of the people were REALLY clicky and shallow, and when I look on my friends now, I see the exact same thing. Like being able to see the warning signs when driving, I can start to see the parallels socially. The only problem is - I know what the lesson is in driving, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from being around these types of people.

Circles within Circles. All in all, a Bizzare week.


So. Things I have learnt:
1. Stop Imagining Social Things!!!
2. I am on a different sinewave pattern thing. And it changes lightning fast.

And Questions for discussion:
1. What is the lesson to learn from Story 3?
2. Is there an Anomally, or a brand new pattern in Story 2?
3. How do I explain what's happened to the girl from Story 1?
4. Is it my imagination, or could the fast bounce back from Story 2 be getting me ready for something. If so, what?

As Pooh-Bear says: Think, think, think.


Jonathan