Okay, so as a lovely friend (Her Travel Romance) pointed out to me the other day, I actually have a LOT to blog about. But for now, that's not going to happen, I'm just going to get rid of what's been rattling around inside my head for a week or two now. More about directing Shakespeare and organising trips around the world later.
So I was at a party the other night, and got to spend some time with a friend who I haven't spent a good deal of time with recently. And, just personal development-wise, I had been kinda levelling out for a while. No input, no challenge. Not through any fault of my own, but you all know what I'm talking about. You just go for months on end without ever having a decent sit-down conversation with someone that goes any deeper than 'What have you done in the past week'?
So, as luck would have it, my friend, Lifehacker, is one of those people interested in what lies beneath the 'I worked this week' surface, and he said to me something I hope I never forget. In trying to phrase himself nicely, he was hemming and hawing, and I gave him full permission to be as harsh as he wanted, and I'm glad he did.
He told me this: Stop coping out.
Essentially that was all (he reiterated his point a few times, but that was what stuck with me), and first of all, I was so glad he told me, cause I needed it. Just thinking about the idea of coping out on yourself. Having the opportunity to be you, and not seizing it. That spoke volumes to me. After working so hard to find Me, I was still shutting myself up at points. Well no more, said I. And the next week was great. It was as if I was not afraid of anything
Then I started thinking. I'm not sure if it's all males or just me, but usually this signifies the beginning of the end. Thinking is not usually a good idea, though it's what I do. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of poeple have told me to stop thinking so much.
I've been thinking about where I 'cop out', and suddenly, a lot of insecurities began to rise. 'He doesn't know how hard it is', 'It hurts', 'I need it'. Why? Why do I feel ashamed of having copped out? What is hiding beneath the 'cop out' response? Why am I going backwards? This was a good thing for a week, now my mind is determined to percieve it as an attack.
I think I may know. I am meeting this coming week with Mrs in Wonderland, and I shall find out then, methinks. For those of you who know of her Jedi skills, you may be able to appreciate my excitement and slight hesitation at the idea of fixing my head. It shall be fun. Messy, painful and fun. Aren't all the beautiful things?
Jonathan
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
A Decision
Oh Herro!
Just wondering if I'm the only one here, but have you ever had that conversation that changes the way you percieve the last year or so? You had an idea in your head of what was going on, and now it's different? Cause I just did, this morning. And it got me thinking.
I've been feeling a little hard-done-by recently. Not annoyed, just feeling like I'd been walking down the same road for way too long, and it was time to change. To break out. To start over. Then I had this conversation, about life, about God, about the process of development, and at one point, this last year went from being a pointless and difficult trek through a desert, to a refining and wholly neccessary process.
Obviously, I feel incredibly greatful for the whole experience, but it also makes me think: How important are the stories we tell to ourselves? We all narrate our past day, week, major events into bite-size stories, with us as the main character, and either good or bad things happening. Then we string together the ones we remember into year-long ballads, decade-long sagas, and life-long odysseys, and the repeated symbols and meanings we draw from them become our own definition of ourselves.
And then it hits me. The reason we have such bad images of who and where and how we are is because we only ever remember the bad things. The stories where we got it wrong. The tragedies. And we use these stories as our sagas, because we forget the little good things.
So here goes. These are the little good things of the past two weeks:
I was asked out.
Someone I'd met for the second time said she liked my laugh, it made her feel important and funny at the same time.
I told Mrs In Wonderland that I reckoned I was an omni-vert, and she 'almost shot porridge out her nose' (her words)
I taught 200 people how to swing dance. I've only been dancing less than a year, and I had never taught before. Everybody now loves it.
I had a conversation with a really nice girl afterwards, and asked her out for coffee. The resulting conversation began this blog.
That's all I can remember for now, but maybe I should do this more often,
Jonathan
Just wondering if I'm the only one here, but have you ever had that conversation that changes the way you percieve the last year or so? You had an idea in your head of what was going on, and now it's different? Cause I just did, this morning. And it got me thinking.
I've been feeling a little hard-done-by recently. Not annoyed, just feeling like I'd been walking down the same road for way too long, and it was time to change. To break out. To start over. Then I had this conversation, about life, about God, about the process of development, and at one point, this last year went from being a pointless and difficult trek through a desert, to a refining and wholly neccessary process.
Obviously, I feel incredibly greatful for the whole experience, but it also makes me think: How important are the stories we tell to ourselves? We all narrate our past day, week, major events into bite-size stories, with us as the main character, and either good or bad things happening. Then we string together the ones we remember into year-long ballads, decade-long sagas, and life-long odysseys, and the repeated symbols and meanings we draw from them become our own definition of ourselves.
And then it hits me. The reason we have such bad images of who and where and how we are is because we only ever remember the bad things. The stories where we got it wrong. The tragedies. And we use these stories as our sagas, because we forget the little good things.
So here goes. These are the little good things of the past two weeks:
I was asked out.
Someone I'd met for the second time said she liked my laugh, it made her feel important and funny at the same time.
I told Mrs In Wonderland that I reckoned I was an omni-vert, and she 'almost shot porridge out her nose' (her words)
I taught 200 people how to swing dance. I've only been dancing less than a year, and I had never taught before. Everybody now loves it.
I had a conversation with a really nice girl afterwards, and asked her out for coffee. The resulting conversation began this blog.
That's all I can remember for now, but maybe I should do this more often,
Jonathan
Thursday, August 26, 2010
10,000 Years
Quoting Disney's Aladdin: "Ten Thousand Yeeeaarrrss, will give you Such a Crick in the Neck! Hold a mimnute. Whoooooooooooow does it feel good to be outta there!"
So, I now have the internet back, and for the first time in about 5 weeks, I can blog. I feel like the Genie (above) :)
So. I need to combine about 3 blogs into one. They would be entitled The Imagination Trap, the Ninja Valley (or the Anomally), and Circles within Circles. All at the same time. So here is le mammoth blog, with three seperate and intertwining stories.
So, I had asked a girl for coffee for a couple of weeks in a row, and had kinda given up hope she would ever accept. Then she did. Cool. She was just a friend, and now we could catch up.
And we did, and I was really happy that we connected so well. For the first time, I found a girl I could understand. Though we had fairly different interests, we had very similar thought processes, so I knew where she was coming from, and was comfortable assuming she felt the same. So I booked another time. And the next day, it struck.
I was at work, in the slowest week I have EVER worked, and I had a lot of time to think. My friend went from being easy to understand, to a romantic possiblity, to a committed certainty. All through the sunny paths of Imagination.
The next week we caught up, she brought her friend, and her friends boyfriend, and her friends sisters baby. Huh. No real romance possibilities with baby drool on shoulders. Epic Normality, which if I hadn't imagined anything, would have been fine. But I had, and it wasn't. I NEED MORE ALONE TIME WITH THIS FUTURE CERTAINTY! More coffee! Sooner! ... Or, she's housesitting a house VERY close to me. She wants me over for dinner one night? DONE! Yeah! All my christmases at once. I'M IN!
This is where I need to break for Story 2. I had been committed to my view from my blog "The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?", and although I wasn't still believing I had everything together, I was pushing on pushing in. As Life Hacker recently posted, I was Determined to keep a constant upwards graph, not a sinewave. But looking back now, to be honest, all that went out the window as I got caught up in the Imaginationship (I just made that word up). But back to Story 1
Dinner arrives, as do I with a bottle of wine. We cook dinner, watch a movie together on the couch. We laugh, talk, and generally enjoy each other's company... and then she has to be at uni tomorrow, so goodbye. Wait, what? But, my Imagination says this is the perfect opportunity. I don't understand.
The next few days, I'm crushed. What's wrong with me? Why didn't it work out? There's still a week left. Maybe more coffee will help! But her dad's had a motorbike accident, and she now has no time left for me...
No time left for a hideous monster. Because that's obviously the only answer. I screwed it up somehow. I'm horrible. I'm Second-place. I give her space and tell myself I'm a failure. 2 long weeks go by, during which my sinewave/uphill trend thing takes a battering, but averages a flatline, and I call that fair. I reckon it's kinda good, considering where it could have gone.
So. I rock up to a movie night, and she's there, along with 2 other girls (one of whom I've gone out with before) and a guy I'm friends with. The entire night, she says not one word to me. Not one. In fact, all three girls studiously say NOTHING to me all evening. Everbody sits on the couch furthest away from me, and say things all evening that make me fairly angry. Not that I want to whinge, but they were putting in Effort to ignore me.
I haven't been that pissed off in a long time. I remember I have weights, and am very close to an Ocean. Suicide is not an unfamiliar thought, and it enjoys my prescence that night in a way it hasn't for a long, long time. I eventually sleep without the heater, kept warm by my anger.
In terms of Sinewave theology, this was an epic low. Something that usually takes months to degenerate into, ninja-ed upon me in 1 night. Maybe because I had been going up for so long, it needed correcting, or... I don't know. The Sinewave theory works because the pattern fits really freaking well, and here was something I've never seen before. An Anomally. A Ninja Valley. So I slept. And woke changed.
I am burning with a cold, slow burn now. But, thinking about it for just 10 minutes, I realise I am not angry with any Person at all. I am angry with some aspect of the situation. I take the entire day to sort my head out, and something amazing happens. Normally, this kind of thing takes a month or two to fully work out of my system, but for the first time, it's happening in one day. By that night, I have forgiven all people involved - including myself - justified my actions, and realised this pain is based on an insecurity I know is Ridiculous. In one day.
The next day I wake up with just a Heartache. It takes me half a day to realise the insecurity I thought it was is just a front for a much deeper fear of being ignored. By the afternoon, I have laid down solid reasons why I am not ignored, and found myself ensconsed in God, the thermometer of my life. I look back to my happiness at the start of the year, and realise I'm right back where I started. I walk to the shops, and feel perfect. 2 days, instead of 2 months.
Again going back to Story 2, the flipside of a Ninja Valley - a Ninja Recovery. By now I am happy to say I am on a completely different pattern. I have no idea what the Anomally was, but it seemed to have been corrected. More than corrected, I feel better than I have all year.
As I reflect upon this, I see Story 3 (don't worry, it's a quickey). Before I lost my drivers license, I was in a really solid place. My life was coming together nicely, and because of that, I wasn't putting any effort into God. Looking back now, I can see where situations I thought were lucky escapes can be interpreted as warnings. So when I drive now, I make sure I am talking to God a lot more, and when I see these signs, I make sure to stop driving for a day or two and focus on God again.
This is how I feel about my some of my friends. I went from a very sheltered Christian school straight into an Arts degree, and received a sort of social Baptism of Fire in terms of what to do and not do. Most of the people were REALLY clicky and shallow, and when I look on my friends now, I see the exact same thing. Like being able to see the warning signs when driving, I can start to see the parallels socially. The only problem is - I know what the lesson is in driving, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from being around these types of people.
Circles within Circles. All in all, a Bizzare week.
So. Things I have learnt:
1. Stop Imagining Social Things!!!
2. I am on a different sinewave pattern thing. And it changes lightning fast.
And Questions for discussion:
1. What is the lesson to learn from Story 3?
2. Is there an Anomally, or a brand new pattern in Story 2?
3. How do I explain what's happened to the girl from Story 1?
4. Is it my imagination, or could the fast bounce back from Story 2 be getting me ready for something. If so, what?
As Pooh-Bear says: Think, think, think.
Jonathan
So, I now have the internet back, and for the first time in about 5 weeks, I can blog. I feel like the Genie (above) :)
So. I need to combine about 3 blogs into one. They would be entitled The Imagination Trap, the Ninja Valley (or the Anomally), and Circles within Circles. All at the same time. So here is le mammoth blog, with three seperate and intertwining stories.
So, I had asked a girl for coffee for a couple of weeks in a row, and had kinda given up hope she would ever accept. Then she did. Cool. She was just a friend, and now we could catch up.
And we did, and I was really happy that we connected so well. For the first time, I found a girl I could understand. Though we had fairly different interests, we had very similar thought processes, so I knew where she was coming from, and was comfortable assuming she felt the same. So I booked another time. And the next day, it struck.
I was at work, in the slowest week I have EVER worked, and I had a lot of time to think. My friend went from being easy to understand, to a romantic possiblity, to a committed certainty. All through the sunny paths of Imagination.
The next week we caught up, she brought her friend, and her friends boyfriend, and her friends sisters baby. Huh. No real romance possibilities with baby drool on shoulders. Epic Normality, which if I hadn't imagined anything, would have been fine. But I had, and it wasn't. I NEED MORE ALONE TIME WITH THIS FUTURE CERTAINTY! More coffee! Sooner! ... Or, she's housesitting a house VERY close to me. She wants me over for dinner one night? DONE! Yeah! All my christmases at once. I'M IN!
This is where I need to break for Story 2. I had been committed to my view from my blog "The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?", and although I wasn't still believing I had everything together, I was pushing on pushing in. As Life Hacker recently posted, I was Determined to keep a constant upwards graph, not a sinewave. But looking back now, to be honest, all that went out the window as I got caught up in the Imaginationship (I just made that word up). But back to Story 1
Dinner arrives, as do I with a bottle of wine. We cook dinner, watch a movie together on the couch. We laugh, talk, and generally enjoy each other's company... and then she has to be at uni tomorrow, so goodbye. Wait, what? But, my Imagination says this is the perfect opportunity. I don't understand.
The next few days, I'm crushed. What's wrong with me? Why didn't it work out? There's still a week left. Maybe more coffee will help! But her dad's had a motorbike accident, and she now has no time left for me...
No time left for a hideous monster. Because that's obviously the only answer. I screwed it up somehow. I'm horrible. I'm Second-place. I give her space and tell myself I'm a failure. 2 long weeks go by, during which my sinewave/uphill trend thing takes a battering, but averages a flatline, and I call that fair. I reckon it's kinda good, considering where it could have gone.
So. I rock up to a movie night, and she's there, along with 2 other girls (one of whom I've gone out with before) and a guy I'm friends with. The entire night, she says not one word to me. Not one. In fact, all three girls studiously say NOTHING to me all evening. Everbody sits on the couch furthest away from me, and say things all evening that make me fairly angry. Not that I want to whinge, but they were putting in Effort to ignore me.
I haven't been that pissed off in a long time. I remember I have weights, and am very close to an Ocean. Suicide is not an unfamiliar thought, and it enjoys my prescence that night in a way it hasn't for a long, long time. I eventually sleep without the heater, kept warm by my anger.
In terms of Sinewave theology, this was an epic low. Something that usually takes months to degenerate into, ninja-ed upon me in 1 night. Maybe because I had been going up for so long, it needed correcting, or... I don't know. The Sinewave theory works because the pattern fits really freaking well, and here was something I've never seen before. An Anomally. A Ninja Valley. So I slept. And woke changed.
I am burning with a cold, slow burn now. But, thinking about it for just 10 minutes, I realise I am not angry with any Person at all. I am angry with some aspect of the situation. I take the entire day to sort my head out, and something amazing happens. Normally, this kind of thing takes a month or two to fully work out of my system, but for the first time, it's happening in one day. By that night, I have forgiven all people involved - including myself - justified my actions, and realised this pain is based on an insecurity I know is Ridiculous. In one day.
The next day I wake up with just a Heartache. It takes me half a day to realise the insecurity I thought it was is just a front for a much deeper fear of being ignored. By the afternoon, I have laid down solid reasons why I am not ignored, and found myself ensconsed in God, the thermometer of my life. I look back to my happiness at the start of the year, and realise I'm right back where I started. I walk to the shops, and feel perfect. 2 days, instead of 2 months.
Again going back to Story 2, the flipside of a Ninja Valley - a Ninja Recovery. By now I am happy to say I am on a completely different pattern. I have no idea what the Anomally was, but it seemed to have been corrected. More than corrected, I feel better than I have all year.
As I reflect upon this, I see Story 3 (don't worry, it's a quickey). Before I lost my drivers license, I was in a really solid place. My life was coming together nicely, and because of that, I wasn't putting any effort into God. Looking back now, I can see where situations I thought were lucky escapes can be interpreted as warnings. So when I drive now, I make sure I am talking to God a lot more, and when I see these signs, I make sure to stop driving for a day or two and focus on God again.
This is how I feel about my some of my friends. I went from a very sheltered Christian school straight into an Arts degree, and received a sort of social Baptism of Fire in terms of what to do and not do. Most of the people were REALLY clicky and shallow, and when I look on my friends now, I see the exact same thing. Like being able to see the warning signs when driving, I can start to see the parallels socially. The only problem is - I know what the lesson is in driving, I don't know what I'm supposed to learn from being around these types of people.
Circles within Circles. All in all, a Bizzare week.
So. Things I have learnt:
1. Stop Imagining Social Things!!!
2. I am on a different sinewave pattern thing. And it changes lightning fast.
And Questions for discussion:
1. What is the lesson to learn from Story 3?
2. Is there an Anomally, or a brand new pattern in Story 2?
3. How do I explain what's happened to the girl from Story 1?
4. Is it my imagination, or could the fast bounce back from Story 2 be getting me ready for something. If so, what?
As Pooh-Bear says: Think, think, think.
Jonathan
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Some Effortless Doodling
I imagine us in third person, because I like to see us together.
I remember you in first person, because I like the way you felt close to me.
I write this in second person, because I like to imagine you might read it one day.
Because I died again tonight, and there was no reason to stop.
Because I didn't talk to anyone about today.
Because I have an empty double bed.
Because I came home to find you still gone.
And because I may miss you.
Maybe.
A little.
-----------------------------------------------------
Rain. Rain from somewhere, splatching against his window.
He frowned. He was awake. Damn it.
He opened his eyes to the useless half-light. Rolling over, he hit his alarm before it went off. 6:14. Hell of a time to wake up.
Reaching over his head, he pulled a chord and opened the curtains. Dead winter light, held back no longer, ran skipping and jumping over drawers, clothes, sheets and door handles. Ahead of him now, the Monday morning drizzle drifted halfheartedly against his window.
God he hated waking up alone.
-----------------------------------------------------
'I like that jumper' said Guy,
'Oh, thanks. It's travelled around with me a lot.'
Guy grinned 'The Adventures of the Travelling Jumper?'
Elly chuckled 'Something like that.' Guy waited for her to say somthing else.
She didn't.
Maybe she was waiting for me to say something? Maybe she's collecting her thoughts?
A bird chirped somewhere over the other side of the street. Nope, the pause is now a full blown conversation stopper. Oh yeah, this isn't awkward at all. Guy started looking for the bird.
'Or maybe even "The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"?'
Yeah, smooth Guy. Saying the first thing that came into your head was a brilliant idea. Not.
Elly snorted '"The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"? how about "Who was Waiting for The One?"'
Guy grinned. Time for some devious subtlety. 'No, "The Jumper who was Really Badly Burnt in it's Last Relationship, and Doesn't Want to Commit Right Now!"'
Guy paused for the outburst of laughter. The bird started chirping again somewhere across the street. Maybe that didn't work as well as he thought it would? Subtle as a slegehammer, idiot. Maybe she thought you were still joking. Hopefully she won't pick it up.
'Or "The Jumper who Never got the Attention it Deserved, and thinks all the Guys are Twats"'
Yeah, she probably picked that one up. Nice work Guy, nice work.
I remember you in first person, because I like the way you felt close to me.
I write this in second person, because I like to imagine you might read it one day.
Because I died again tonight, and there was no reason to stop.
Because I didn't talk to anyone about today.
Because I have an empty double bed.
Because I came home to find you still gone.
And because I may miss you.
Maybe.
A little.
-----------------------------------------------------
Rain. Rain from somewhere, splatching against his window.
He frowned. He was awake. Damn it.
He opened his eyes to the useless half-light. Rolling over, he hit his alarm before it went off. 6:14. Hell of a time to wake up.
Reaching over his head, he pulled a chord and opened the curtains. Dead winter light, held back no longer, ran skipping and jumping over drawers, clothes, sheets and door handles. Ahead of him now, the Monday morning drizzle drifted halfheartedly against his window.
God he hated waking up alone.
-----------------------------------------------------
'I like that jumper' said Guy,
'Oh, thanks. It's travelled around with me a lot.'
Guy grinned 'The Adventures of the Travelling Jumper?'
Elly chuckled 'Something like that.' Guy waited for her to say somthing else.
She didn't.
Maybe she was waiting for me to say something? Maybe she's collecting her thoughts?
A bird chirped somewhere over the other side of the street. Nope, the pause is now a full blown conversation stopper. Oh yeah, this isn't awkward at all. Guy started looking for the bird.
'Or maybe even "The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"?'
Yeah, smooth Guy. Saying the first thing that came into your head was a brilliant idea. Not.
Elly snorted '"The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"? how about "Who was Waiting for The One?"'
Guy grinned. Time for some devious subtlety. 'No, "The Jumper who was Really Badly Burnt in it's Last Relationship, and Doesn't Want to Commit Right Now!"'
Guy paused for the outburst of laughter. The bird started chirping again somewhere across the street. Maybe that didn't work as well as he thought it would? Subtle as a slegehammer, idiot. Maybe she thought you were still joking. Hopefully she won't pick it up.
'Or "The Jumper who Never got the Attention it Deserved, and thinks all the Guys are Twats"'
Yeah, she probably picked that one up. Nice work Guy, nice work.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?
So, I'm not used to sharing how I feel when things are good. Most of the time, it's "How are you?" "Fantastic!", but I guess this happiness owes things to others.
First up would have to be the Life Hacker himself. He shared with me some results about a study of people who lose weight, and (to cut a long story short), BASICALLY, when they reach their goals, they relax, and end up in a worse position. So they set new, lower goals, achieve, and relax, etc, etc. The point of his story was that, when you reach your goals (or the top of your sine wave), you need to reset your goals, and start as if you're at the bottom of another wave.
This gave me an idea. I was just heading upwards in my outlook of life. Coming up to the top of the sine wave, as it were, when I thought, screw it, lets go for gold. I already knew the reason I was feeling better was because I was spending more time with God, so I figured I'd spend more time with, and listen more to, God - which made me realise that I evalute my life on my intimacy with God. Mrs In Wonderland has a fantastic way of putting it. Your happy when your in line with your values. And my values are God (which I didn't know, but wasn't very surprised by).
So - Pushing in, pushing in, hearing more, praying more, spending more time with God... begins to feel like work. Begins to strain. Then 2 things happen at once.
A couple of nights ago, I have a conversation that begins in facestalking and arrives at Love. Whether either of us think there is a One for each person, etc, etc, etc, and we move onto not being able to love others without loving yourself. And I realise that, although I am not perfectly made, I am deliberately made. I might not like what I see in the mirror (mainly because, with a last name like Best, I expect 110%), but it's me, and I am made for a reason.
This was Revelation enough for a fair while, but the next day I was talking to both my mum and a close older friend about feeling burnt out in the pursuit of intimacy, and the summary of their replies came to the effect that: I don't need to strain to be 'Manly', or 'Godly'. I already am.
This one kinda rocked my socks off (if you see them, please send them back to me). For so long I was convinced I had just one more thing to learn. Just one more habit to break/develop to Be an Attractive Guy. Just one more moral stance to form an Opinion. Just one more level of righteousness to be a Mighty Man (if you haven't heard the term, check out 2 Samuel. Seriously - guys sold out to God, who ended up killing 500 people in 1 field, or out-wrestling 2 lions in the snow. INSPIRING!)
But I don't. I never have. People see me as someone who has it all together, and instead of scaring me, it's a truth I can be walking. I am good enough right here, right now, to do anything you ask of me, and if you don't like what happens, that is not my fault, that's your opinion.
I hate the fact this sounds like something I should have learnt somewhere around year 10, but for me, this is pretty huge. I guess the people reading this know me already, so I don't have to explain it further. I guess it's just allowing myself to not be perfect.
I cant believe how liberating this feels.
Pongo
First up would have to be the Life Hacker himself. He shared with me some results about a study of people who lose weight, and (to cut a long story short), BASICALLY, when they reach their goals, they relax, and end up in a worse position. So they set new, lower goals, achieve, and relax, etc, etc. The point of his story was that, when you reach your goals (or the top of your sine wave), you need to reset your goals, and start as if you're at the bottom of another wave.
This gave me an idea. I was just heading upwards in my outlook of life. Coming up to the top of the sine wave, as it were, when I thought, screw it, lets go for gold. I already knew the reason I was feeling better was because I was spending more time with God, so I figured I'd spend more time with, and listen more to, God - which made me realise that I evalute my life on my intimacy with God. Mrs In Wonderland has a fantastic way of putting it. Your happy when your in line with your values. And my values are God (which I didn't know, but wasn't very surprised by).
So - Pushing in, pushing in, hearing more, praying more, spending more time with God... begins to feel like work. Begins to strain. Then 2 things happen at once.
A couple of nights ago, I have a conversation that begins in facestalking and arrives at Love. Whether either of us think there is a One for each person, etc, etc, etc, and we move onto not being able to love others without loving yourself. And I realise that, although I am not perfectly made, I am deliberately made. I might not like what I see in the mirror (mainly because, with a last name like Best, I expect 110%), but it's me, and I am made for a reason.
This was Revelation enough for a fair while, but the next day I was talking to both my mum and a close older friend about feeling burnt out in the pursuit of intimacy, and the summary of their replies came to the effect that: I don't need to strain to be 'Manly', or 'Godly'. I already am.
This one kinda rocked my socks off (if you see them, please send them back to me). For so long I was convinced I had just one more thing to learn. Just one more habit to break/develop to Be an Attractive Guy. Just one more moral stance to form an Opinion. Just one more level of righteousness to be a Mighty Man (if you haven't heard the term, check out 2 Samuel. Seriously - guys sold out to God, who ended up killing 500 people in 1 field, or out-wrestling 2 lions in the snow. INSPIRING!)
But I don't. I never have. People see me as someone who has it all together, and instead of scaring me, it's a truth I can be walking. I am good enough right here, right now, to do anything you ask of me, and if you don't like what happens, that is not my fault, that's your opinion.
I hate the fact this sounds like something I should have learnt somewhere around year 10, but for me, this is pretty huge. I guess the people reading this know me already, so I don't have to explain it further. I guess it's just allowing myself to not be perfect.
I cant believe how liberating this feels.
Pongo
Saturday, May 29, 2010
What I Want
Okay. So. A list of what I want to achieve over the next few months/year:
1) I want to be taught to sing.
I've always wanted to sing well, but never had the balls/money for lessons. Well, to that mentality I say: Screw you, hippy!
2) I want to know what I Want
Never really considered that question for too long. And I have No Idea. It's not fun
3) I want to live with 1 other person(s) in a clean, cheap, central location
The place I am at now... is not clean. There are too many people. I want a nice clean house, near everything, that costs around $100 a week.
4) I want to try Adam's weight-eating-thingy (It brings out the Plum)
I want to see what happens. If the only outcome is me feeling better about myself, then WICKED!!!
5) I want to look back on this year and feel proud
Already, a fair amount of shit has gone down, but I've been remarkably positive about it all. I want that to remain. If it does, I will be VERY proud of myself. It's not often you find a way to maintain emotional health DESPITE circumstances. I would like to.
6) I want to be somewhat closer to discovering what I want to do with myself over the next 10 years
Cause I have no idea where I'm going. And as fun as that is, I at least would like a compass bearing. This will be helped greatly by answering point 2
7) I want to stop living a Performance Based Life
A really critical idea someone mentioned in passing in church is that we don't have to live a Performance Based Life. We cannot evalutae our worth purely on summarising situations into win/lose. Life is not meant to bee seen in black and white. I would like to stop.
8) I want to make a start toward forging my Book
I have HEAPS of short stories, ideas, and scraps of paper with indecipherable writing all over it. I would like a way to amalgamate it all into a semi-cohesive structure that is the start of my book.
The End
1) I want to be taught to sing.
I've always wanted to sing well, but never had the balls/money for lessons. Well, to that mentality I say: Screw you, hippy!
2) I want to know what I Want
Never really considered that question for too long. And I have No Idea. It's not fun
3) I want to live with 1 other person(s) in a clean, cheap, central location
The place I am at now... is not clean. There are too many people. I want a nice clean house, near everything, that costs around $100 a week.
4) I want to try Adam's weight-eating-thingy (It brings out the Plum)
I want to see what happens. If the only outcome is me feeling better about myself, then WICKED!!!
5) I want to look back on this year and feel proud
Already, a fair amount of shit has gone down, but I've been remarkably positive about it all. I want that to remain. If it does, I will be VERY proud of myself. It's not often you find a way to maintain emotional health DESPITE circumstances. I would like to.
6) I want to be somewhat closer to discovering what I want to do with myself over the next 10 years
Cause I have no idea where I'm going. And as fun as that is, I at least would like a compass bearing. This will be helped greatly by answering point 2
7) I want to stop living a Performance Based Life
A really critical idea someone mentioned in passing in church is that we don't have to live a Performance Based Life. We cannot evalutae our worth purely on summarising situations into win/lose. Life is not meant to bee seen in black and white. I would like to stop.
8) I want to make a start toward forging my Book
I have HEAPS of short stories, ideas, and scraps of paper with indecipherable writing all over it. I would like a way to amalgamate it all into a semi-cohesive structure that is the start of my book.
The End
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Middle of the Sine Wave (Up)
Wow, So... long time no Blog.
On the plus side, I now don't have a $1600 insurance claim hanging over my head. That's always a plus. On the down side, this is the second week I have less than $40 in my bank. Soooo close to Financial Lubrication.
Arg! What's bugging me? So, I've never claimed correctly on my Centrelink payments. I have lied in EVERY single one of them. And the other day, my friend was like 'Dude, they find that shit out. That's not cool', and it kinda killed my groove.
And, Tonight, I went to a party with my Friends, got a lift and had a bitch with Paul (always nice), drank wine... and hated being single, for no apparent reason.
So, just as a summary of my mindset, instead of feeling like the bottome of the Sine Wave, I'm feeling like this is as good as things are going to get for a while. I DID feel like things were looking up, and were going to be great. And that lasted all of 1 day. Now I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon. And either it will, and I'll have and Interrupted Sine Wave, or they won't and I'll find the Top of the Sine Wave.
It just sucks knowing nothing in my life is ACTUALLY wrong, but that nothing is fully right, either. It is an odd feeling, and I don't enjoy not being able to enjoy the times I know are good.
This is my blog. I am not looking for answers (I don't think I asked a question), I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. And that's about all I have to Say.
Jonathan
On the plus side, I now don't have a $1600 insurance claim hanging over my head. That's always a plus. On the down side, this is the second week I have less than $40 in my bank. Soooo close to Financial Lubrication.
Arg! What's bugging me? So, I've never claimed correctly on my Centrelink payments. I have lied in EVERY single one of them. And the other day, my friend was like 'Dude, they find that shit out. That's not cool', and it kinda killed my groove.
And, Tonight, I went to a party with my Friends, got a lift and had a bitch with Paul (always nice), drank wine... and hated being single, for no apparent reason.
So, just as a summary of my mindset, instead of feeling like the bottome of the Sine Wave, I'm feeling like this is as good as things are going to get for a while. I DID feel like things were looking up, and were going to be great. And that lasted all of 1 day. Now I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon. And either it will, and I'll have and Interrupted Sine Wave, or they won't and I'll find the Top of the Sine Wave.
It just sucks knowing nothing in my life is ACTUALLY wrong, but that nothing is fully right, either. It is an odd feeling, and I don't enjoy not being able to enjoy the times I know are good.
This is my blog. I am not looking for answers (I don't think I asked a question), I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. And that's about all I have to Say.
Jonathan
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