Desire

Sigmund Freud has been attributed with saying 'We are our desires'. I'm not sure if this is a correct quote or not, but I fully agree.


So I was feeling pretty good about myself at the beginning of last year, when someone said to me "I think you know who you are,". The self-righteousness and awe at my own wisdom lasted a millisecond as he continued: "I just think you need to find out what you are". In fairness, I would say 'What are you?' is twice as difficult to answer as 'Who are you?', and over the past 18 months, I have actually been answering 'What do you want?', which is harder again. But I have found recently this: What you want will tell you who you are.

A desire is not a strong want. At least, not in this context. I'm talking about the perfect realisation of a want. If everything was perfect. If you could do anything. A desire is a deep part of you. It is a drive, a goal, an urge, a calling. The combination of which defines you. You are the sum of what you want.

But not just a want. Let me give an example. Desires are revealed through questioning wants. I want a kiss. Question: What if you could have more? I would want a kiss from a beautiful lady. Just one? Well, no, lots of kisses. Just kisses? Well, no - if I could, I would like a beautiful woman who loves me. For a day? No, forever. What if you could have everything you wanted out of her? Well, I want the most beautiful woman to be the most in love with me forever and I with her and for us to have the greatest relationship that supports each other to achieve everything we've ever wanted. Ever. What I wanted was a kiss. What I desired was the perfect marriage.

But most importantly, we do not allow our desires. We get off at an earlier station. We want the perfect partner, but we know someone we don't mind, and they seem keen, so we go out with them, and settle for 25%, instead of waiting out the train ride and reaching the 100% at the end of the journey. Settling is the number 1 Killer of what we want. Because we have a little bit of it, so we are able to tell ourselves we are doing well. We have everything we need. But our desires tell us no. Also, some people squash their desires. No, no, It's too difficult, so I don't want it anymore. Unfortunately, you still do want it. You cannot fool a desire, or divert it to something else. You want what you want, and hopefully you want it badly.


Now, I'm using the idea of a partner becuase it's something we can all relate to, but it also applies to the perfect job, the perfect lifestyle, the perfect relationships in family, friends, etc. We settle for less than the best all the time. Or we distract ourselves. Because a true desire will hurt. A true desire aches within us all day, and we can do nothing. We are at work, scanning barcodes or signing papers or typing emails, and we know we cannot look out a window, or we'll hate being stuck here, doing this. Why? because our desires have nothing to do with working a checkout or office desk. Our desires include roaming an unknown land, sailing a sea, discovering an ancient ruin in an overrun jungle. We desire adventure, and we have dayjobs. Not that they are bad, we need them. But we know it's not what we desire.

So we usually distract ourselves with things that bear no relation to our wants whatsoever. I wanted to explore the hills near us, but I still have to go to work. But on the way home, I bought this new TV that has a channel about trees! I can now watch all the trees I want without moving from my couch. And it has buttons, and HD, and EVERYTHING! Does anyone else see how ridiculous this sounds? Sure, it keeps us happy for a month or so. Unfortunately, desires never die. Ever. You can keep distracting yourself with shiny things, but you will always want to explore those hills near your house.

The reconciling of what we ache for and where we are is the greatest test of character and judgement we have. It gives us our name, as it shows us how we work, think, decide, evaluate. Desire tells us who we are. And how we deal with desires, whether we distract ourselves knowingly (or unknowingly), settle for 2nd best, or wait what seems like a painful eternity to find the perfect expression of what we want, proves to others (and us) who we are. Just a thought.

The Monster within

So no blogs recently ('what's new?' you say). To be honest, I don't care. Life's been not noteworthy recently. Not in a bad way, I've just been chillin and doing stuff I don't need to discuss. I know where to go next, and it's not anything new. Except this.

I've been giving something up lately. It's not an addiction, and it's nothing bad for me, I've just noticed I do it a lot, ever since I can remember, and I decided to stop. MOST DIFFICULT THING EVER!

I'm Christian, and I'm pretty sure this is something God agrees would be better left out of my life, so I pray. Kind of vainly. I've tried giving this up before. I go through the motions. Yes, it's working - to an extent. No, I'm not getting anything new from God. No, It's not working anymore. I need God. Standard Christian Cycle.

Except this time, I recieve the motherload. I define Grace as 'The power and will to do the will of God'. In other words, if God gives you grace, you want to do whatever it takes to get closer to him, and suddenly you've got the oomph to back it up. And I got a shit-tonne of it. For a fortnight, I didn't even think about what I was trying to beat. I wasn't trying anymore. It was beaten. I was ecstatic. Then I screwed up.

I went back to what I was doing before, and the grace went too. Over 3 days, things suddenly got harder again. I'd say things were impossible, now that I'd tasted freedom. How bitter to go back to chains you've already broken. I felt like I was banging my head against a brick wall. I still feel that way, but what it has shown me is a side of me I didn't think I had.

And this is the point: I found a monster in me. Not something to be ashamed of. Not something I think is bad. But something that Demands. It wants. It strives. It chases. And the worst part is, I agree with it so often. The dialogue does not go 'I WANT! Well, let me think about this... I WANT! Oh, okay'. There IS no dialogue. I find myself doing things I don't agree with. I agree with things I don't do. I'm a mess.

But I'm me. I think the strangest part of all this is how completely okay I am with all this. I don't want encouragement in this fight, because I'm sure it will take evry part of me to fight. That's cool. I don't need reassurance. I know I'm the most normal person I know. I just want to point out that I'm sure we all have a side, or a part, or an animal, that just wants everything NOW! And in most cases, we have fought the fight. We tell it to shut up and sit down, we'll get round to it soon. But how far have you mined the depths of your heart? Are there things you take for granted that don't have to be, but you know you've settled because the fight is too great? Fight it. I am.


Jonathan

Eish!

Man, I've had a look at my blog, and I whinge a lot! Well, not really. The blog is the only place to express such things, but still. Maybe it's because my parents are English :)

But yes. All three things have turned out good. I am now in Grey London, and it's not as fun as I thought. I think that's only because it's the first time I've travelled to a major city, and not had someone else there to share it with and talk about it. I took some photos, but not many. It's kinda fun, but I'm more looking forward to Bulgaria next week, then Paris after that!

Anyway, that is all. That's what happens when you don't blog about bad stuff, you don't have much to say :)


Jonathan

Peace (or Purposeful Ignorance)

On the surface of things, it appears that I have a huge challenge ahead. A mountain in front of me, and a promise that I'd be on the other side tomorrow. But I am not worried. After all, what's a mountain but sloped ground?

The situation:
- I told a special friend that I would be in England on Wednesday. Due to money not coming through yet, I shall have to wait till monday to book the ticket.
- I have just $600 spending money for a 4-week holiday to England, Bulgaria, Paris and home again
- I have just found somebody I am fairly interested in, and I leave in 3.5 days. Then 4 months after I come back, she leaves for 4 months

All of which, individually, are potentially mindboggling in their capacity for inducing stress. None of which phase me too much. My mental, internal answer to the demands of pressure is a vague, ignorant smile; much like the one you would give to the crazy man who talks to you on the train.

And ignorant is the key word here. Because I am certain of three things:
It is possible for me to back out now.
It is also possible for me to succeed greatly.
I will want to back out if I think about the facts.

In fact, it could be described as a battle between the 'Facts' and the Hopes. 'Facts' like 'You know the money won't last' 'You may not be able to book the ticket so close to departure' 'You don't have to go'. And Hopes like 'I've been in worse places' 'Things will work out for my benefit' 'This is going to be an awesome trip'

So I am choosing to not be informed of the 'Facts', but rather to be completely besotted with the Hopes. Ignorant, yes. Nieve, possibly. Stupid, no. Because sometimes the best Peace is not found with Knowledge, but Self-Knowledge :)


Jonathan

5 Step Plan to Take Over the Universe!

Well Hello!

So, I kinda haven't blogged in months, but I can explain. I was overseas. That said, looking at my last blog, things have changed, gone up and down, and kinda ended up in a very similar position. Ah travel, how you ruin our perceptions.

SO! I won't bore you with where my friend and I went, as I don't have any pictures, because my friend has the camera, and he can't get it to work. Balls. BUT, I did discover a 5 step plan to own a house in a couple of years, and from there, take over the universe.

I say discover, because I didn't really think of it, the bones of the idea just popped into my head, and I embellished. But I guess the main reason I didn't dismiss this out of hand without thinking about it is because, for the first time when I went travelling, I left the country missing home. Maybe it's the people I've met this past year. Maybe I realised I actually have no problem with growing older here. Maybe I have set up everything here already. I don't know. But I do know that today, when I thought about how to aquire a house here, I enjoyed planning to stay here for the next 5 years.

SO! My five step plan starts when I get back from England (I leave in a week, to spend ALL my money my grandma put aside for me. Instead of saving for, say, a house. Can anyone say 'Irony'?). It goes like this:

STEP 1: Work your ass off for 2 years, save $40,000.
I have never had a fulltime job. I enjoy not working the normal hours others work. And maybe I will continue this by working at a bar or something, but I plan to work full, 40 hour weeks. Man that sounds scary! Also, working at a bar or a store earns you around $40,000 a year (or $800 a week). I have survived this year on around $200 a week. At one point I was earning $400 a week and I saved a grand a month. Give me twice the salary, I save $400 a week, I end up with $40,000 in 2 years. Easy.

STEP 2: Buy a $500,000 house.
Borrow 10,000 from parents, friends, charity, bums, whoever. Then grab a half million dollar house with a 10% deposit. Oh yeah. Make sure it's a house I would like to live in (because eventually I will)

STEP 3: Find people to rent my house
In Perth, prices are ridiculous, so it shouldn't be too hard to find people who will rent the house off me, and charge them enough for the repayments on the mortgage (maybe plus a little for my hard work)

STEP 4: Grab a second house as a booster
Use the first house as collateral, use the same mortgage-rent trick as before, wait 2 years for the house price to go up, kick out the tenants, sell the house, put it towards the first house. Hopefully, by that stage, most of the house is paid off.

STEP 5: Move into house. Take over universe.
Being used to paying rent, this last year of greatly increased rent should be bearable, because I will be paying off the last of my house. Job done. Take over th universe.
The End


Now, this is not a good plan. This is not the best plan. But it is A plan. Which I have not had before. I call that a win :)


Jonathan

Three Little Words

Okay, so as a lovely friend (Her Travel Romance) pointed out to me the other day, I actually have a LOT to blog about. But for now, that's not going to happen, I'm just going to get rid of what's been rattling around inside my head for a week or two now. More about directing Shakespeare and organising trips around the world later.

So I was at a party the other night, and got to spend some time with a friend who I haven't spent a good deal of time with recently. And, just personal development-wise, I had been kinda levelling out for a while. No input, no challenge. Not through any fault of my own, but you all know what I'm talking about. You just go for months on end without ever having a decent sit-down conversation with someone that goes any deeper than 'What have you done in the past week'?

So, as luck would have it, my friend, Lifehacker, is one of those people interested in what lies beneath the 'I worked this week' surface, and he said to me something I hope I never forget. In trying to phrase himself nicely, he was hemming and hawing, and I gave him full permission to be as harsh as he wanted, and I'm glad he did.

He told me this: Stop coping out.

Essentially that was all (he reiterated his point a few times, but that was what stuck with me), and first of all, I was so glad he told me, cause I needed it. Just thinking about the idea of coping out on yourself. Having the opportunity to be you, and not seizing it. That spoke volumes to me. After working so hard to find Me, I was still shutting myself up at points. Well no more, said I. And the next week was great. It was as if I was not afraid of anything

Then I started thinking. I'm not sure if it's all males or just me, but usually this signifies the beginning of the end. Thinking is not usually a good idea, though it's what I do. I'm pretty sure a large percentage of poeple have told me to stop thinking so much.

I've been thinking about where I 'cop out', and suddenly, a lot of insecurities began to rise. 'He doesn't know how hard it is', 'It hurts', 'I need it'. Why? Why do I feel ashamed of having copped out? What is hiding beneath the 'cop out' response? Why am I going backwards? This was a good thing for a week, now my mind is determined to percieve it as an attack.

I think I may know. I am meeting this coming week with Mrs in Wonderland, and I shall find out then, methinks. For those of you who know of her Jedi skills, you may be able to appreciate my excitement and slight hesitation at the idea of fixing my head. It shall be fun. Messy, painful and fun. Aren't all the beautiful things?


Jonathan

A Decision

Oh Herro!

Just wondering if I'm the only one here, but have you ever had that conversation that changes the way you percieve the last year or so? You had an idea in your head of what was going on, and now it's different? Cause I just did, this morning. And it got me thinking.

I've been feeling a little hard-done-by recently. Not annoyed, just feeling like I'd been walking down the same road for way too long, and it was time to change. To break out. To start over. Then I had this conversation, about life, about God, about the process of development, and at one point, this last year went from being a pointless and difficult trek through a desert, to a refining and wholly neccessary process.

Obviously, I feel incredibly greatful for the whole experience, but it also makes me think: How important are the stories we tell to ourselves? We all narrate our past day, week, major events into bite-size stories, with us as the main character, and either good or bad things happening. Then we string together the ones we remember into year-long ballads, decade-long sagas, and life-long odysseys, and the repeated symbols and meanings we draw from them become our own definition of ourselves.

And then it hits me. The reason we have such bad images of who and where and how we are is because we only ever remember the bad things. The stories where we got it wrong. The tragedies. And we use these stories as our sagas, because we forget the little good things.

So here goes. These are the little good things of the past two weeks:
I was asked out.
Someone I'd met for the second time said she liked my laugh, it made her feel important and funny at the same time.
I told Mrs In Wonderland that I reckoned I was an omni-vert, and she 'almost shot porridge out her nose' (her words)
I taught 200 people how to swing dance. I've only been dancing less than a year, and I had never taught before. Everybody now loves it.
I had a conversation with a really nice girl afterwards, and asked her out for coffee. The resulting conversation began this blog.

That's all I can remember for now, but maybe I should do this more often,


Jonathan