Sigmund Freud has been attributed with saying 'We are our desires'. I'm not sure if this is a correct quote or not, but I fully agree.
So I was feeling pretty good about myself at the beginning of last year, when someone said to me "I think you know who you are,". The self-righteousness and awe at my own wisdom lasted a millisecond as he continued: "I just think you need to find out what you are". In fairness, I would say 'What are you?' is twice as difficult to answer as 'Who are you?', and over the past 18 months, I have actually been answering 'What do you want?', which is harder again. But I have found recently this: What you want will tell you who you are.
A desire is not a strong want. At least, not in this context. I'm talking about the perfect realisation of a want. If everything was perfect. If you could do anything. A desire is a deep part of you. It is a drive, a goal, an urge, a calling. The combination of which defines you. You are the sum of what you want.
But not just a want. Let me give an example. Desires are revealed through questioning wants. I want a kiss. Question: What if you could have more? I would want a kiss from a beautiful lady. Just one? Well, no, lots of kisses. Just kisses? Well, no - if I could, I would like a beautiful woman who loves me. For a day? No, forever. What if you could have everything you wanted out of her? Well, I want the most beautiful woman to be the most in love with me forever and I with her and for us to have the greatest relationship that supports each other to achieve everything we've ever wanted. Ever. What I wanted was a kiss. What I desired was the perfect marriage.
But most importantly, we do not allow our desires. We get off at an earlier station. We want the perfect partner, but we know someone we don't mind, and they seem keen, so we go out with them, and settle for 25%, instead of waiting out the train ride and reaching the 100% at the end of the journey. Settling is the number 1 Killer of what we want. Because we have a little bit of it, so we are able to tell ourselves we are doing well. We have everything we need. But our desires tell us no. Also, some people squash their desires. No, no, It's too difficult, so I don't want it anymore. Unfortunately, you still do want it. You cannot fool a desire, or divert it to something else. You want what you want, and hopefully you want it badly.
Now, I'm using the idea of a partner becuase it's something we can all relate to, but it also applies to the perfect job, the perfect lifestyle, the perfect relationships in family, friends, etc. We settle for less than the best all the time. Or we distract ourselves. Because a true desire will hurt. A true desire aches within us all day, and we can do nothing. We are at work, scanning barcodes or signing papers or typing emails, and we know we cannot look out a window, or we'll hate being stuck here, doing this. Why? because our desires have nothing to do with working a checkout or office desk. Our desires include roaming an unknown land, sailing a sea, discovering an ancient ruin in an overrun jungle. We desire adventure, and we have dayjobs. Not that they are bad, we need them. But we know it's not what we desire.
So we usually distract ourselves with things that bear no relation to our wants whatsoever. I wanted to explore the hills near us, but I still have to go to work. But on the way home, I bought this new TV that has a channel about trees! I can now watch all the trees I want without moving from my couch. And it has buttons, and HD, and EVERYTHING! Does anyone else see how ridiculous this sounds? Sure, it keeps us happy for a month or so. Unfortunately, desires never die. Ever. You can keep distracting yourself with shiny things, but you will always want to explore those hills near your house.
The reconciling of what we ache for and where we are is the greatest test of character and judgement we have. It gives us our name, as it shows us how we work, think, decide, evaluate. Desire tells us who we are. And how we deal with desires, whether we distract ourselves knowingly (or unknowingly), settle for 2nd best, or wait what seems like a painful eternity to find the perfect expression of what we want, proves to others (and us) who we are. Just a thought.
Great post dude.
ReplyDeleteInteresting post to me because I read an article, oh probably a year or so ago now, that has stuck with me. Taking your ideal, desired relationship for an example, this article stated that women have been told, and re-told, and told again through modern society and the feminist movement that they should not settle. They are worth everything they dream about and they can have it all - the amazing career, the family, the darling husband - especially the darling husband. We've seen articles about how it is actually and long and hard fight to have it all and that, in the end, perhaps you can't, for how can you have a mile high career whilst not missing out on raising your children? But I digress - my point was the relationship. This article said that perhaps settling, thought of for so long as being a bad thing, isn't actually. What is wrong with the guy who helps out around the house and earns good money, but can't vocalize his emotions? What's wrong with the guy who is an amazing father and supportive husband, who earns a little less than average? You could be missing out on someone who will make you incredibly happy, because you are holding out for this magical answer-all. I think the point is that if your desires are realistic, then go for gold, but if they're not, you could be in for a life of missing out.
ReplyDeleteWow. I forgot about this post, and so didn't see your responses. It's a good point, Sarj. The horrible thing is, there will always be a gap between the fulfilment of a desire, and reality. It is great to desire the best job AND husband, but it's not possible. You are going to have to make judgement calls, and your are going to have to settle, somewhere along the line. But where you make those calls and how you settle will tell you what's important to you, and what areas you are prepared to compromise in.
ReplyDeleteAnd just as a side note, I like this post. It makes me look very knowledgeable :) And both of you, too!