Okay. So. A list of what I want to achieve over the next few months/year:
1) I want to be taught to sing.
I've always wanted to sing well, but never had the balls/money for lessons. Well, to that mentality I say: Screw you, hippy!
2) I want to know what I Want
Never really considered that question for too long. And I have No Idea. It's not fun
3) I want to live with 1 other person(s) in a clean, cheap, central location
The place I am at now... is not clean. There are too many people. I want a nice clean house, near everything, that costs around $100 a week.
4) I want to try Adam's weight-eating-thingy (It brings out the Plum)
I want to see what happens. If the only outcome is me feeling better about myself, then WICKED!!!
5) I want to look back on this year and feel proud
Already, a fair amount of shit has gone down, but I've been remarkably positive about it all. I want that to remain. If it does, I will be VERY proud of myself. It's not often you find a way to maintain emotional health DESPITE circumstances. I would like to.
6) I want to be somewhat closer to discovering what I want to do with myself over the next 10 years
Cause I have no idea where I'm going. And as fun as that is, I at least would like a compass bearing. This will be helped greatly by answering point 2
7) I want to stop living a Performance Based Life
A really critical idea someone mentioned in passing in church is that we don't have to live a Performance Based Life. We cannot evalutae our worth purely on summarising situations into win/lose. Life is not meant to bee seen in black and white. I would like to stop.
8) I want to make a start toward forging my Book
I have HEAPS of short stories, ideas, and scraps of paper with indecipherable writing all over it. I would like a way to amalgamate it all into a semi-cohesive structure that is the start of my book.
The End
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
The Middle of the Sine Wave (Up)
Wow, So... long time no Blog.
On the plus side, I now don't have a $1600 insurance claim hanging over my head. That's always a plus. On the down side, this is the second week I have less than $40 in my bank. Soooo close to Financial Lubrication.
Arg! What's bugging me? So, I've never claimed correctly on my Centrelink payments. I have lied in EVERY single one of them. And the other day, my friend was like 'Dude, they find that shit out. That's not cool', and it kinda killed my groove.
And, Tonight, I went to a party with my Friends, got a lift and had a bitch with Paul (always nice), drank wine... and hated being single, for no apparent reason.
So, just as a summary of my mindset, instead of feeling like the bottome of the Sine Wave, I'm feeling like this is as good as things are going to get for a while. I DID feel like things were looking up, and were going to be great. And that lasted all of 1 day. Now I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon. And either it will, and I'll have and Interrupted Sine Wave, or they won't and I'll find the Top of the Sine Wave.
It just sucks knowing nothing in my life is ACTUALLY wrong, but that nothing is fully right, either. It is an odd feeling, and I don't enjoy not being able to enjoy the times I know are good.
This is my blog. I am not looking for answers (I don't think I asked a question), I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. And that's about all I have to Say.
Jonathan
On the plus side, I now don't have a $1600 insurance claim hanging over my head. That's always a plus. On the down side, this is the second week I have less than $40 in my bank. Soooo close to Financial Lubrication.
Arg! What's bugging me? So, I've never claimed correctly on my Centrelink payments. I have lied in EVERY single one of them. And the other day, my friend was like 'Dude, they find that shit out. That's not cool', and it kinda killed my groove.
And, Tonight, I went to a party with my Friends, got a lift and had a bitch with Paul (always nice), drank wine... and hated being single, for no apparent reason.
So, just as a summary of my mindset, instead of feeling like the bottome of the Sine Wave, I'm feeling like this is as good as things are going to get for a while. I DID feel like things were looking up, and were going to be great. And that lasted all of 1 day. Now I just feel like something bad is going to happen soon. And either it will, and I'll have and Interrupted Sine Wave, or they won't and I'll find the Top of the Sine Wave.
It just sucks knowing nothing in my life is ACTUALLY wrong, but that nothing is fully right, either. It is an odd feeling, and I don't enjoy not being able to enjoy the times I know are good.
This is my blog. I am not looking for answers (I don't think I asked a question), I just don't feel comfortable in my own skin right now. And that's about all I have to Say.
Jonathan
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
To Feel a Vague Feeling in Acute Pain
Because I don't know what I feel. But it hurts a lot, and it has something to do with you not being here.
I can't look at you anymore. I don't even want to know where you are. I hate your friends. I hate the way they treat everyone else. I hate their friends. I hate not knowing why I can't even think about you, when I can't stop thinking about you all day. You're there in my head; but you're not here on my bed.
I hate that I'm alone. I hate that no one did anything wrong. I hate not talking to you. I hate that talking to you makes me hate more. I hate that only time is stopping me.
I hate that I'm not hurting that much anymore.
I wore new shoes today. I danced them all the way home, thinking about someone else. They walked me all around town, into other people's homes, into other people's lives. Into other people's arms. I danced them home, and now I can see them, missing you still.
I think my eyes are the most innocent here. My mind fucks me up big time. Tells me you enjoy spending more time around others. Tells me you are having fun. Tells me you never did with me. Which is stupid. You did. But my mind loves to rake it's claws through my heart. And that's where you are still. In my heart. And that's just what my mind does. So if any of this offends you, you can take comfort that you're not the only one offended by this. I'm just growing, and your roots have tanlged with mine.
I'm so sorry.
I can't look at you anymore. I don't even want to know where you are. I hate your friends. I hate the way they treat everyone else. I hate their friends. I hate not knowing why I can't even think about you, when I can't stop thinking about you all day. You're there in my head; but you're not here on my bed.
I hate that I'm alone. I hate that no one did anything wrong. I hate not talking to you. I hate that talking to you makes me hate more. I hate that only time is stopping me.
I hate that I'm not hurting that much anymore.
I wore new shoes today. I danced them all the way home, thinking about someone else. They walked me all around town, into other people's homes, into other people's lives. Into other people's arms. I danced them home, and now I can see them, missing you still.
I think my eyes are the most innocent here. My mind fucks me up big time. Tells me you enjoy spending more time around others. Tells me you are having fun. Tells me you never did with me. Which is stupid. You did. But my mind loves to rake it's claws through my heart. And that's where you are still. In my heart. And that's just what my mind does. So if any of this offends you, you can take comfort that you're not the only one offended by this. I'm just growing, and your roots have tanlged with mine.
I'm so sorry.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
The Bottom of the Sine Wave
Jonathan Best is too many things. Angry, at everyone else having fun. Happy, that life's getting back on track. Silly, in general. Sentimental, after visiting his Mum for Mothers day. And Inspired, by this weirdest combination of feelings.
LALALA!
So, it's been a while. Hi.
Just had a wee gander at the last post. Wow. It HAS been a while. A quick update - the whole 'What am I' thing is sitting nicely between the back and front of my mind (I guess you'd call it the middle), stewing like any good idea should. Being filtered through life and monitored round the clock (by which I mean "whenever I remember", which is not too often).
Point Numero uno: BALLS! Things can just suck. Presenting them as funny things (e.g. by saying BALLS), can help, but at the end of the day, it's not what it should be. I had a strange conversation (between other conversations), with Mrs In Wonderland about this. She seemed to say her default view of the world was that it was awesome. And sometimes you're sad things have happened, but then you go back to enjoying life.
Not I. My default is that this life is shit. Imagine what it could be. Everyday, at every point in time, imagine what could possibly happen, and then tell me this world is not boring, unfair, or just too random to care about.
I believe it is possible to walk on water. So why am I staying here? Which leads me to another interesting point. So, I missed a bus on Sunday, and went to another stop to catch another. There was a bus coming in 10 mins that would go the right way, and 5 mins after that, another bus going the wrong way. Easy. Wait 10 mins, jump on the bus, and end up going the wrong way. I NEVER not check the bus number before getting on, and more incredibly, they are NEVER early. Through another string of bizzare coincedences, I found myself waiting an hour at a bus stop half an hour from home, thinking: I'm fucking feed up with this shit.
If you don't believe in God, this next bit will annoy you, but I ended up telling Him that I was fucking pissed off with the way things were going, and if he didn't get his shit together... I'd do... something (it's at this point, when you realise you need God more than he needs you, that you also realise threatening him might not be the smartest idea). And I said, look: If there is a point to all this, I want to be at my destination by 8 (it was now 7:45). Enough was enough.
I didn't end up getting there till 9. But on the way, when I finally got on the bus at 8:22, I met a girl I knew from Uni, whom I hadn't talked to in years, who had also missed her bus, and ended up miles from anywhere, and was catching this bus to get her somewhere nearer where she needed to be. Like me. She was also going to a party for someone who was leaving for europe for 3 months. Like me. She had also had her license taken away for stupid reasons. Like me.
So, to cut a long story short, I ended up giving God the Benefit of the Doubt, and assuming he had something to make out of all this recent crap. Which begs the question: What is there to learn here?
Standard Christian response: trials grow us, we develop chracter, patience, etc, etc bla bla bla. Not that I don't believe that, but what Specifically is here? If God is into using bad times to mould people, I am going to end up one freaking awesome mother-licker!
Also, the power of music is awesome. Listen to On The Wing, by Owl City. I have now changed my mood.
So I guess it's time for Numero Duo: ... about that. I may have ranted for a little too long during Numero Uno, and forgotten Numero Duo.
Oops. :D
So, I guess, if you weren't me, and summarising this post, you'd say the point of these words was that I am a moody and easily swayed person. But you're not. And I needed this.
Jonathan
LALALA!
So, it's been a while. Hi.
Just had a wee gander at the last post. Wow. It HAS been a while. A quick update - the whole 'What am I' thing is sitting nicely between the back and front of my mind (I guess you'd call it the middle), stewing like any good idea should. Being filtered through life and monitored round the clock (by which I mean "whenever I remember", which is not too often).
Point Numero uno: BALLS! Things can just suck. Presenting them as funny things (e.g. by saying BALLS), can help, but at the end of the day, it's not what it should be. I had a strange conversation (between other conversations), with Mrs In Wonderland about this. She seemed to say her default view of the world was that it was awesome. And sometimes you're sad things have happened, but then you go back to enjoying life.
Not I. My default is that this life is shit. Imagine what it could be. Everyday, at every point in time, imagine what could possibly happen, and then tell me this world is not boring, unfair, or just too random to care about.
I believe it is possible to walk on water. So why am I staying here? Which leads me to another interesting point. So, I missed a bus on Sunday, and went to another stop to catch another. There was a bus coming in 10 mins that would go the right way, and 5 mins after that, another bus going the wrong way. Easy. Wait 10 mins, jump on the bus, and end up going the wrong way. I NEVER not check the bus number before getting on, and more incredibly, they are NEVER early. Through another string of bizzare coincedences, I found myself waiting an hour at a bus stop half an hour from home, thinking: I'm fucking feed up with this shit.
If you don't believe in God, this next bit will annoy you, but I ended up telling Him that I was fucking pissed off with the way things were going, and if he didn't get his shit together... I'd do... something (it's at this point, when you realise you need God more than he needs you, that you also realise threatening him might not be the smartest idea). And I said, look: If there is a point to all this, I want to be at my destination by 8 (it was now 7:45). Enough was enough.
I didn't end up getting there till 9. But on the way, when I finally got on the bus at 8:22, I met a girl I knew from Uni, whom I hadn't talked to in years, who had also missed her bus, and ended up miles from anywhere, and was catching this bus to get her somewhere nearer where she needed to be. Like me. She was also going to a party for someone who was leaving for europe for 3 months. Like me. She had also had her license taken away for stupid reasons. Like me.
So, to cut a long story short, I ended up giving God the Benefit of the Doubt, and assuming he had something to make out of all this recent crap. Which begs the question: What is there to learn here?
Standard Christian response: trials grow us, we develop chracter, patience, etc, etc bla bla bla. Not that I don't believe that, but what Specifically is here? If God is into using bad times to mould people, I am going to end up one freaking awesome mother-licker!
Also, the power of music is awesome. Listen to On The Wing, by Owl City. I have now changed my mood.
So I guess it's time for Numero Duo: ... about that. I may have ranted for a little too long during Numero Uno, and forgotten Numero Duo.
Oops. :D
So, I guess, if you weren't me, and summarising this post, you'd say the point of these words was that I am a moody and easily swayed person. But you're not. And I needed this.
Jonathan
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