Some Effortless Doodling

I imagine us in third person, because I like to see us together.
I remember you in first person, because I like the way you felt close to me.
I write this in second person, because I like to imagine you might read it one day.

Because I died again tonight, and there was no reason to stop.
Because I didn't talk to anyone about today.
Because I have an empty double bed.
Because I came home to find you still gone.

And because I may miss you.
Maybe.
A little.

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Rain. Rain from somewhere, splatching against his window.
He frowned. He was awake. Damn it.
He opened his eyes to the useless half-light. Rolling over, he hit his alarm before it went off. 6:14. Hell of a time to wake up.
Reaching over his head, he pulled a chord and opened the curtains. Dead winter light, held back no longer, ran skipping and jumping over drawers, clothes, sheets and door handles. Ahead of him now, the Monday morning drizzle drifted halfheartedly against his window.
God he hated waking up alone.

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'I like that jumper' said Guy,
'Oh, thanks. It's travelled around with me a lot.'
Guy grinned 'The Adventures of the Travelling Jumper?'
Elly chuckled 'Something like that.' Guy waited for her to say somthing else.

She didn't.

Maybe she was waiting for me to say something? Maybe she's collecting her thoughts?
A bird chirped somewhere over the other side of the street. Nope, the pause is now a full blown conversation stopper. Oh yeah, this isn't awkward at all. Guy started looking for the bird.

'Or maybe even "The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"?'
Yeah, smooth Guy. Saying the first thing that came into your head was a brilliant idea. Not.

Elly snorted '"The Jumper who had Relationship Issues"? how about "Who was Waiting for The One?"'
Guy grinned. Time for some devious subtlety. 'No, "The Jumper who was Really Badly Burnt in it's Last Relationship, and Doesn't Want to Commit Right Now!"'

Guy paused for the outburst of laughter. The bird started chirping again somewhere across the street. Maybe that didn't work as well as he thought it would? Subtle as a slegehammer, idiot. Maybe she thought you were still joking. Hopefully she won't pick it up.

'Or "The Jumper who Never got the Attention it Deserved, and thinks all the Guys are Twats"'

Yeah, she probably picked that one up. Nice work Guy, nice work.

The Top of One wave, the Bottom of Another?

So, I'm not used to sharing how I feel when things are good. Most of the time, it's "How are you?" "Fantastic!", but I guess this happiness owes things to others.

First up would have to be the Life Hacker himself. He shared with me some results about a study of people who lose weight, and (to cut a long story short), BASICALLY, when they reach their goals, they relax, and end up in a worse position. So they set new, lower goals, achieve, and relax, etc, etc. The point of his story was that, when you reach your goals (or the top of your sine wave), you need to reset your goals, and start as if you're at the bottom of another wave.

This gave me an idea. I was just heading upwards in my outlook of life. Coming up to the top of the sine wave, as it were, when I thought, screw it, lets go for gold. I already knew the reason I was feeling better was because I was spending more time with God, so I figured I'd spend more time with, and listen more to, God - which made me realise that I evalute my life on my intimacy with God. Mrs In Wonderland has a fantastic way of putting it. Your happy when your in line with your values. And my values are God (which I didn't know, but wasn't very surprised by).

So - Pushing in, pushing in, hearing more, praying more, spending more time with God... begins to feel like work. Begins to strain. Then 2 things happen at once.

A couple of nights ago, I have a conversation that begins in facestalking and arrives at Love. Whether either of us think there is a One for each person, etc, etc, etc, and we move onto not being able to love others without loving yourself. And I realise that, although I am not perfectly made, I am deliberately made. I might not like what I see in the mirror (mainly because, with a last name like Best, I expect 110%), but it's me, and I am made for a reason.

This was Revelation enough for a fair while, but the next day I was talking to both my mum and a close older friend about feeling burnt out in the pursuit of intimacy, and the summary of their replies came to the effect that: I don't need to strain to be 'Manly', or 'Godly'. I already am.

This one kinda rocked my socks off (if you see them, please send them back to me). For so long I was convinced I had just one more thing to learn. Just one more habit to break/develop to Be an Attractive Guy. Just one more moral stance to form an Opinion. Just one more level of righteousness to be a Mighty Man (if you haven't heard the term, check out 2 Samuel. Seriously - guys sold out to God, who ended up killing 500 people in 1 field, or out-wrestling 2 lions in the snow. INSPIRING!)

But I don't. I never have. People see me as someone who has it all together, and instead of scaring me, it's a truth I can be walking. I am good enough right here, right now, to do anything you ask of me, and if you don't like what happens, that is not my fault, that's your opinion.

I hate the fact this sounds like something I should have learnt somewhere around year 10, but for me, this is pretty huge. I guess the people reading this know me already, so I don't have to explain it further. I guess it's just allowing myself to not be perfect.

I cant believe how liberating this feels.


Pongo