Jonathan Best is too many things. Angry, at everyone else having fun. Happy, that life's getting back on track. Silly, in general. Sentimental, after visiting his Mum for Mothers day. And Inspired, by this weirdest combination of feelings.
LALALA!
So, it's been a while. Hi.
Just had a wee gander at the last post. Wow. It HAS been a while. A quick update - the whole 'What am I' thing is sitting nicely between the back and front of my mind (I guess you'd call it the middle), stewing like any good idea should. Being filtered through life and monitored round the clock (by which I mean "whenever I remember", which is not too often).
Point Numero uno: BALLS! Things can just suck. Presenting them as funny things (e.g. by saying BALLS), can help, but at the end of the day, it's not what it should be. I had a strange conversation (between other conversations), with Mrs In Wonderland about this. She seemed to say her default view of the world was that it was awesome. And sometimes you're sad things have happened, but then you go back to enjoying life.
Not I. My default is that this life is shit. Imagine what it could be. Everyday, at every point in time, imagine what could possibly happen, and then tell me this world is not boring, unfair, or just too random to care about.
I believe it is possible to walk on water. So why am I staying here? Which leads me to another interesting point. So, I missed a bus on Sunday, and went to another stop to catch another. There was a bus coming in 10 mins that would go the right way, and 5 mins after that, another bus going the wrong way. Easy. Wait 10 mins, jump on the bus, and end up going the wrong way. I NEVER not check the bus number before getting on, and more incredibly, they are NEVER early. Through another string of bizzare coincedences, I found myself waiting an hour at a bus stop half an hour from home, thinking: I'm fucking feed up with this shit.
If you don't believe in God, this next bit will annoy you, but I ended up telling Him that I was fucking pissed off with the way things were going, and if he didn't get his shit together... I'd do... something (it's at this point, when you realise you need God more than he needs you, that you also realise threatening him might not be the smartest idea). And I said, look: If there is a point to all this, I want to be at my destination by 8 (it was now 7:45). Enough was enough.
I didn't end up getting there till 9. But on the way, when I finally got on the bus at 8:22, I met a girl I knew from Uni, whom I hadn't talked to in years, who had also missed her bus, and ended up miles from anywhere, and was catching this bus to get her somewhere nearer where she needed to be. Like me. She was also going to a party for someone who was leaving for europe for 3 months. Like me. She had also had her license taken away for stupid reasons. Like me.
So, to cut a long story short, I ended up giving God the Benefit of the Doubt, and assuming he had something to make out of all this recent crap. Which begs the question: What is there to learn here?
Standard Christian response: trials grow us, we develop chracter, patience, etc, etc bla bla bla. Not that I don't believe that, but what Specifically is here? If God is into using bad times to mould people, I am going to end up one freaking awesome mother-licker!
Also, the power of music is awesome. Listen to On The Wing, by Owl City. I have now changed my mood.
So I guess it's time for Numero Duo: ... about that. I may have ranted for a little too long during Numero Uno, and forgotten Numero Duo.
Oops. :D
So, I guess, if you weren't me, and summarising this post, you'd say the point of these words was that I am a moody and easily swayed person. But you're not. And I needed this.
Jonathan
Good post.
ReplyDeleteI think the Christian view to learning about your situation is still relevant and very true.
However, I wouldn't apply the meaning "grow us, we develop chracter, patience". There is a lot more to it. Trying to apply those rules alone will narrow how you think. But don't get me wrong you could be thinking about worse things. So, it's a good start.
Your state of mind is dictated by the meaning you apply to your situation. You decide your meaning "generally" how you feel emotionally at the time.
So to change your state of mind which is what you where trying to do your going about it the right way. However, just ask yourself "what does this mean to me". And leave it open.
Cheers
I don't know if I have a default view of the world. If I did, I suppose it might be the view that things happen for a reason - both those you perceive as good, and those you perceive as bad. In your example, you missed a bus, then got on the wrong bus, and it resulted in you meeting someone you hadn't seen in a long time and I presume from your writing that this was, in the end, a positive thing? Thus, although the missing of the bus and the wrong bus seemed like horrid things at the time, they lead you to a positive outcome that otherwise would not have happened.
ReplyDeleteI take the same view, although slightly macabre possibly, when it comes to missing things, or being late, myself. (and I hate being late) I wonder - if I had driven down the street on time, would something bad have happened which has now been prevented because someone/something is looking out for me? Of course, you will never know - unless it was one of those obvious cases where you missed a flight on the 11th of September... But, you know.
Perhaps if you had your licence, you would be involved in a traffic accident because you would have been driving somewhere at the same time as a loony who drank too much? Instead, both you and the loony are safe. The fine is a rub - and I've had irritating fines before where it angers you to your core that you have to pay them because you are a good person and you don't deserve this! - but you get past them, and you learn from them - either directly or indirectly.
When I said "trials grow us, we develop chracter, patience, etc, etc bla bla bla", I was refering to Romans 5:3-4: Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."
ReplyDeleteSo I agree - there is always a lot more going on through our lives then I think we will ever know. But sometimes you get fed up with vagueness.
Good point about being based emotionally, though. To be honest, just about everything boils down to how you feel about it, and feelings are fickle. Which is stupid (to base your point of view on feelings), but we all do it, to some degree. Sometimes it's just about telling yourself to stop whinging, I guess. Though I am English, so it may be difficult for me.
And Yes, I know by loosing my license, a lot of good things have happened. The friend whose car it was that was taken away has started walking more and loving the exercise. And has started to reassess her job - which she doesn't want - and look for work elsewhere.
It makes you think, if she needed to have her car taken away from her to start thinking about where she wanted to be in life, me loosing my license isn't something bad anymore, it becomes a privelege. Like I was the one of the people close enough to her that could deal with loosing their license, in order to lose her car and get her thinking about where she really wants to be. But at the time, when bad things happen, we tend to react out of our emotional base - which says: BALLS!
It's odd, looking at your own rant and not feeling that way anymore. But just getting things off your chest often is that emotional release you need, and afterwards you feel much better. My mum used to talk to me in the car from uni. I use the internet., because if you don't let this stuff out, you forget about it and become bitter. Not good.
So thank you for listening. It's why I write
hey hun,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking a lot about that conversation too. I think the "action" that I take to have "life is awesome" as a default emotion is that when when I allow something to have a meaning anything to do with life being BALLS! I assume that I am out of alignment with my core values or what is important to me. Constantly living "have to's" very much knocks me out of alignment and then I do much the same as you, have a rant, apply new meaning and move on. The method I use is I write down all the things that I want to ACHIEVE in the next few months to a year and any time I indulge in a feeling of "overwealm" I get cracking on whatever I can do RIGHT NOW to achieve even a little part of those achivements. My default comes about by actioning living ON PURPOSE. It takes practise, I'm still trying to master it.
That's cool. I like that idea. A lot. IT SHALL BE DONE!
ReplyDelete